A Thespian's Vendetta

Revised Superhero Speech

2009-03-10T21:19:00.001-07:00

Superheros vs. Reality
A Speech by Alana S. Wolfgang-Duran

Art mirrors humanity and perhaps no medium is as underrated in its significance than comic books. The majority of the public shuns comics without a second thought, setting them aside with their toys as just another “childish” fancy. However, like anything else from our childhoods, comics are not what they first appear. By taking a second glance at the history of comics and the stories of our heroes, we come to see the sometimes twisted path that humanity has taken.

In 1938, Superman burst onto the scene. DC comics wanted to give its readers someone to look up to, a role model. While we knew from the beginning young Kal-El was destined for greatness, he was raised with the humble moral standards of the Mid West, and from that he became the defender of “truth, justice, and the American way.” For a long time, that's exactly what he did. He put personal responsibility first and, despite his seeming invincibility, never let his own power overwhelm him.

However, as with all stories, along came spider. Enter the Marvel Universe in 1961, home to your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman and the Amazing X-Men, or, as the comic book reading public will tell you, the “relatable” heroes. The validity of the DC comics was slowly wearing thin. Despite the audience's willingness to believe that a man impenetrable to bullets could be killed with a rock or even that his predecessor to the DC dynasty, Bruce Wayne, would spend his fortune on a bat costume to run around and scare petty criminals, the exponential growth of their powers and abilities made them “too superhuman” and therefore “unrelatable.”

At this point, our comic reading audience had transitioned from the conformity of the post-World War II to the blooming revolution of the individual of the 1960s, and as with any franchise, the characters had to evolve to keep up with the trends. Superpowers became a way to highlight the human flaws within each character. In fact, sacrifice simply became a plot device, no longer the virtue that Superman and Batman had established in the 40's. This was evident when Spiderman, Mr. Great Responsibility himself, sold his soul to the devil in order to achieve a selfish end.

In the early eighties, the rift between what a superhero should be and what superheros had become came to a peak when DC gave in to popular demand and published “The Authority,” a series that took its cues from the Reagan administration, having the heroes use their powers for the furthering of the disestablishmentarian ideal. This turn from the previous themes splintered DC comics as some of its best writers, including Frank Miller and Alan Moore of Batman fame, left to start a new company named Dark Horse.

Dark Horse represented the return to the ideals superheroes had long strived for in the Golden Age of comics, yet retaining the properties of character development and small government touted at the end of the Marvel Age. It was a careful, yet precarious balance between the dark of the character's past and their unquenchable hope for a brighter day ahead that made the comics work as none had before them. Superheros no longer had to have supernatural powers to do good- they became your average citizen fighting for a better tomorrow.

While some will claim that this “vigilante justice” is representative of yet another downward turn society has taken, I beg to differ. If anything, it has answered perhaps the most pressing existential question: is mankind worth saving? The answer is simple: Yes! At its best, the Dark Horse brand taught us two things. Number one- change is imminent. By re-accepting the responsibility to do what is right, not what is wanted or expected, the world is on its way to being a better place. And number two, and most importantly- we no longer have to wait to be saved. At heart, we are all superheroes.

44 Things

2009-03-01T20:02:00.003-07:00

1. Do you like blue cheese?
LOVE IT

2. Have you ever been drunk?
Tipsy, not drunk, and even that was on accident.

3. Do you own a gun?
No, I'm not Sarah Palin.

4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?
Blue Raspberry

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Nevah!

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
They're ok- you have to make them right.

7.Favorite Christmas movie?
Die Hard

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Apple juice

9. Can you do push ups?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
2008 B-day necklace

11. Favorite hobby?
Reading

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
Supposedly

13. What's your favorite shoe?
My fuzzy sheepy slippers

14. Middle name?
I don't know?

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
I want out of here. Help me!
My head hurts- stupid pimple.
Thirsty... hungry.... nourishment.....

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Mountain Dew, Milk, Apple Juice

17. Current worry?
Not Graduating

18. Current hate right now?
Ignorant politicians or Baking. It's a tie!

19. Favorite Bed Sheets as a Child?
Silky pink ones

20. How did you bring in the New Year?
In bed, half-asleep, by myself :-(

21. Where would you like to go?
Thailand

22. Name three people who will complete this?
Messy Bunny, Monkey Man, Bubbles

23. Do you own slippers?
DUH

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
PINK

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
I love it. I need a set.

26. Can you whistle?
Nope.

27. Favorite color?
Plum Purple

28. Would you be a pirate?
Hell yes! Got to get me some booty!

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I do scales, and "Dance with Me Henry", and "Cry Me A River" (Julie Christie, and other things?

30. Favorite Girls Name?
Faye or Amelia

31. Favorite boys name?
Dorian or Martin

32. What's in your pocket right now?
Lint and a few pennies

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Patton Oswalt's CD: "Feelin' Kinda Patton"

34. Last thing that made you cry?
My mother being evil

35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child?
Broke my hip

36. Do you love where you live?
I like seasons and I like the mountains, but the atmosphere and the people are horrible.

37. Revenge of the Nerds or Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
Nerds Rule

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Chris Iriondo

39. How many dogs do you have?
UNO!

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
Who doesn't have a crush on me?

41. What is your favorite book?
Enchantress from the Stars or The Giver

42. What is your favorite candy?
Fast Break

43. Favorite Sports Team?
Denver Broncos, New York Mets, and the Sacramento Kings

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
"Constellations" by Jack Johnson or "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie

books Books BOOKS!!!!

2009-02-22T13:49:00.001-07:00

Apparently the BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

1) Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read.
2) Add a '+' to the ones you LOVE.
2b) Add a '@' to the ones you HATE.
3) Star (*) those you plan on reading.
4) Tally your total at the bottom.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (x)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (*)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (*)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (x)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (x)
6 The Bible (*)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (*)
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (*)
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (*)
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (x)
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott (*)
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy (*)
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (*)
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (x+)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier ()
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (*)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk (*)
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (*)
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (*)
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot (*)
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell (*)
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (x+)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens (*)
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (*)
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (x+)
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh (*)
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (*)
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck (*)
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll (*)
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame (x)
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy (*)
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens (*)
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (*)
34 Emma - Jane Austen (*)
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen (*)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (x)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (*)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres (*)
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (*)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne (x)
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell (x)
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (*)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez (*)
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving ()
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins (*)
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (x)
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy ()
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood (*)
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (*)
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan (*)
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel (*)
52 Dune - Frank Herbert (*)
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons (*)
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (x++)
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth ()
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon (*)
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (*)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (*)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon (*)
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez (*)
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (*)
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov (*)
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt (*)
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold (*)
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (x+)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac (*)
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy (*)
8 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding (x++)
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie (*)
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville (*)
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens (*)
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker (*)
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett (x)
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson (x++)
75 Ulysses - James Joyce (*)
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (*)
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome (*)
78 Germinal - Emile Zola ()
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray (*)
80 Possession - AS Byatt (*)
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens (x)
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell (*)
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker (*)
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro (*)
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert (*)
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry (*)
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White (x)
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom (x)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (x++)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton ()
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad (*)
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (x+)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks ()
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams (*)
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole (*)
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute (*)
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas (*)
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (x+)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (x)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (*)

Read (x): 22
Want to Read (*): 70

5 Things Happy Couples Do Everyday

2009-02-16T16:45:00.005-07:00

The tenants as a reminder:

Daily Habit #1: Talk to Each Other
Happily married couples typically say their relationships work better when they can sit down and gab one-on-one, like thinking, feeling adults.

Daily Habit #2: Flirt
Most couples realize that getting intimate every night isn't possible, let alone a worthy goal. Indeed, a 1994 University of Chicago survey of Americans' physical intimacy habits found that only about a third of adults have physical intimacy more than once a week.That doesn't mean, though, that you can't at least talk sensually every day.

Daily Habit #3: Get Stupid Together
Bob and Angie are ashamed to admit that the daily ritual that brings such joy to their 12-year marriage is none other than reality TV. That's right. They lived and died with "Survivor." They've adopted "Big Brother." "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" They do.

Daily Habit #4: Declare Your Independence
So hold on, then: Is domestic joy found in partners smothering each other in obsessive daily rituals? Hardly. In fact, Tessina says that sleepwalking through a series of hollow routines (although probably an apt description of your day job) is worse for your relationship than having no routines at all. The solution, she says, is to also make a daily habit of getting away from each other.

Daily Habit #5: Share a Spiritual Moment
In another University of Chicago survey, this one of married couples, 75 percent of the Americans who pray with their spouses reported that their marriages are "very happy" (compared to 57 percent of those who don't). Those who pray together are also more likely to say they respect each other and discuss their relationship together.

There. Now no more excuses!!!

January Resolutions Update

2009-02-16T16:36:00.002-07:00

1. Get back on track to graduate!!! No news on this yet, but I'm still working on a lot of my classes.

2. Turn in all third quarter assignments on time (for this month at least... start small...). Hahahahaha! Never happened!

2. Submit a recipe at least once a day to my recipe blog. Epic Fail

3. Take an hour of Me time at least every other day- 20 minutes writing, 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes of sleepy time. Didn't happen.

4. Finish annotating all Academic Decathlon materials in the binder. Not the books. We do not talk about the research books (yet...). Nowhere near done with this.

5. Submit 6 scholarship applications. Scholarships? What are those?

6. Get W-2 and finish taxes. Um... I lost my W-2...

7. Submit FAFSA application. Ok ok ok. I actually did this! But it won't effing work! Must call office.

8. Stop downloading stuff from uTorrent until I can afford a new external hard drive. Didn't happen. I think I have 9Kb on my external drive. And maybe 2 gb left cumulatively on my computer.

9. Find someone at the bank willing to help me with those stupid fraud forms. Haven't had time.

10. Work on 5 relationship tenants. Not my fault. I've tried. He has yet to do any of them.

11. Cut soda consumption to 64 ounces a week. Not going to happen until I get my grades back on track

12. No more drugs by February- PERIOD!!!! (Well, except if I'm dying or something, duh... or migraines- it's the same thing). Nope- I have a new perscription, so this is impossible to accomplish.

13. Clean out classes/et al file box. No time.

14. Start recipe/finance file box. Can't get hands on supplies.

15. Catch up on thank you cards/shipping/letters. Hahaha- I'm a greedy bastard.

Boys VS Girls- COOTIES!!!!!!

2009-02-11T19:47:00.002-07:00

Mi amigo Yami le posted this on her blog-o. So, since I love these things, I'm totally doing it. Deal with it... o.

YOUR BOY SIDE- 23 TOTAL

[x] you love hoodies
[x] you love jeans
[ ] dogs are better than cats
[x] its hilarious when people get hurt
[x] shopping is torture ((Shopping for anything except electronics, books, and food when you're hungry- that's fun))
[ ] sad movies suck
[x] you play XBOX 360/PS2
[x] you played with Hot Wheels as a little kid
[x] at some point in life you wanted to be a firefighter
[ ] you owned a DS, PS2, or Sega ((Again, how is this masculine?))
[x] you used to be obsessed with Power Rangers
[x] you watch sports on TV ((Depends on the sport though- Latin Soccer is awesome! And the really obscure stuff, like curling.))
[ ] you go to your dad for advice
[x] you own like a trillion baseball hats (( I own, like, a trillion hats in general))
[x] you used to/collect collector cards ((Pokemon fo shizzle!))
[x] baggy sweatpants are cool to wear
[x] its kind of weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people
[x] green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors
[x] you love to go crazy and not care what other people think
[x] sports are fun
[x] you talk with food in your mouth ((But politely so, right guys? ...Guys?))
[ ] you sleep at night with your socks on
[x] you have fished at least once
Total 18

YOUR GIRL SIDE- 24 TOTAL

[x] you love to shop ((It's all about location and the company and the available purchases- see above))
[x] you wear eyeliner ((On special occasions, not day to day, and even then, very little- so does this still count?))
[x] you wear the color pink
[ ] you go to your mom for advice
[ ] you consider cheer-leading a sport
[ ] you wear very little black
[ ] you hate wearing the color black
[ ] you like going to the mall
[ ] you cried watching "A Walk to Remember" ((Cried with laughter!))
[x] skirts are a part of your wardrobe
[ ] shopping is one of your favorite hobbies
[ ] you take around one hour to shower
[x] you are/were in gymnastics/tumbling
[x] you smile a lot more than you should
[x] you have more than 10 pairs of shoes
[ ] you care about what you look like
[x] you always/sometimes wear dresses ((I would wear dresses all the time if I remembered to shave my legs and it wasn't so blasted cold.))
[ ] you like wearing body spray
[x] you like high heel shoes ((They automatically give anyone who wears them well and knows how to walk in them PROPERLY, ie Patrick Swayze, a slimmer and more statuesque look.))
[ ] you used to play with dolls as a kid
[ ] you like putting makeup on others
[ ] pink is one of your favorite colors
[ ] you laugh more than you breathe
[ ] you absolutely love chocolate ((I like chocolate, ok? It's just not the end all of end alls.))
Your total: 9

The Superhero Speech

2009-01-23T01:21:00.002-07:00

As promised, the completed "Superhero" speech. It's 1:21 in the morning, so don't expect anything spectacular. Plus, I had to edit it down A LOT due to the time constraints (4 minutes! Gah!). In any case, enjoy.

Superheros vs. Reality
A Speech by Alana S. Wolfgang-Duran

Art mirrors humanity and perhaps no medium is as underrated in its significance than comic books. The majority of the public automatically shun comics without a second thought, setting them aside with their toys as just another “childish” fancy. However, like anything else from our childhoods, comics are not what they first appear. By taking a second glance at the history of comics and the stories of the heroes, we come to see the path that humanity has taken and what has gone wrong.

In 1938, Superman burst onto the scene. DC comics wanted to give its readers someone to look up to, a role model. While we knew from the beginning young Kal-El was destined for greatness, he was raised with the down-home, mid-west morals the country was scrambling to instill in the country's youth in the face of World War II. From that strong moral compass he grew up with in Kansas, Superman resolved to always fight for “truth, justice, and the American way.” And for a long time, that's exactly what he did. The Man of Steel never faltered from his duty, even in the face of bad writing and absurd plots, even by comic book standards. He put personal responsibility first and, despite his seeming invincibility, never let his own power overwhelm him.

However, as with all stories, along came spider. Enter the Marvel Universe in 1961, home to your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman and the Amazing X-Men, or, as the comic book reading public will tell you, the “relatable” heroes. As geeks, our lot love the lavishly ludicrous. However, the validity of the DC comics was slowly wearing thin. Despite the audience's willingness to believe that a man impenetrable to bullets could be killed with a rock or even that his predecessor to the DC dynasty, Bruce Wayne, would spend his fortune on a bat costume to run around and scare petty criminals, the exponential growth of their powers and abilities made them “too superhuman” and therefore “unrelatable.”

At this point, our comic reading audience had transitioned from the conformity of the post-World War II to the blooming revolution of the individual of the 1960s, and as with any franchise, the characters had to evolve to keep up with the trends. Superpowers became a way to highlight the human flaws within each character. In fact, sacrifice simply became a plot device, no longer the virtue that Superman and Batman had established back at DC. Despite the ever-repeating “with great power comes great responsibility” we are subjected to every ten minutes in the live-action Spiderman movies, personal responsibility hardly played a part in this new genre of comics. This was evident when Spiderman, Mr. Great Responsibility himself, sold his soul to the devil in order to achieve an end.

In the early eighties, this rift between what a superhero should be and what superheros had become came to a peak when DC gave in to popular demand and published “The Authority,” a series that took its cues from the Reagan administration, having the heroes use their powers for the furthering of the disestablishmentarian ideal. However, this was taken a step too far and ended up making the characters look like utter jerks, causing the splintering of DC comics as some of its best writers, including Frank Miller and Alan Moore of Batman fame, left to start a new company named Dark Horse.

Dark Horse represented the return to the ideals superheroes had long strived for in the Golden Age of comics, yet retaining the properties of character development and small government touted at the end of the Marvel Age. It was a careful, yet precarious balance between the dark of the character's past and their unquenchable hope for a brighter day ahead that made the comics work as none had before them. Superheros no longer had to have supernatural powers to do good- they became your average citizen fighting for a better tomorrow.

While some will claim that this “vigilante justice” is representative of yet another downward turn society has taken, I beg to differ. If anything, it has answered perhaps the most pressing existential question: is mankind worth saving? The answer is simple: Yes! At its best, the Dark Horse brand taught us two things. Number one- change is imminent. By re-accepting the responsibility to do what is right, not what is wanted or expected, the world is on its way to being a better place. And number two, and most importantly- we no longer have to wait to be saved. At heart, we are all superheroes.

The Kick-Ass Semester Rules!!!

2009-01-20T19:19:00.002-07:00

1. We have to turn everything in on time in Biology. If one of us misses a deadline (if there was work involved the prior night, due date will be extended to the next class day), then that person has to take the other out for a slurpee.

2. Same deal with Humanities, except it's a soda in there because the work doesn't take as long and therefore not slurpee worthy.

3. Tests in any class. The higher scorer on the test gets a massage. Because obviously the high scorer deserves to have their tense studying muscles to be relaxed after all that work!

4. We evaluate how we're doing at the end of every two weeks. If we have all C's or above (or the stuff has been turned in and just yet to be entered), then it's date/party night! However there are checks at the end of every week. If the rules aren't met by the end of the first week, no MSN that weekend. If it is not met two weeks in a row, then no computer period for that entire weekend.

5. At the end of each month, if we both have B's in Biology, Humanities, and Programming, as well as actively pursuing our outside-of-class activities (J: A+ Computer Repair/Heroes story, A: Euro History AP exam study/Academic Decathlon), the stars shall align, contact shall be made with an alien race, and we will have a night of chillax-ing.

These are the rules. *stare*

(A) Shameless Plug(s)

2009-01-18T10:21:00.002-07:00

This isn't today's official post, but I stumbled upon something today that made have good feelings inside.

One of my favourite actors and all-time idols is the amazing Mr. Stephen Fry. He's lived an incredible life that truly can't be summed up in a little fangirl paragraph. So here's a link to his website so he can tell you about it himself: http://www.stephenfry.com/

He's done a lot of interesting and totally awesome things (yes, this is the Stephen Fry of "A Bit of Fry and Laurie" fame), so I totally recommend checking him out. Plus, the guy is a techie. A Techie! Yay!

ANYWAY! My big stumbling came upon his twitter page. TWITTER! PAGE! AH! It's very muy cool. Have fun reading about the new adventures of Stephen Fry! https://twitter.com/stephenfry

Goals for January (Among Other Things)

2009-01-17T23:13:00.003-07:00

I have decided that instead of making a huge resolution list like I did last year (I'll have to do a recap later on, when I get the time), I should try to accomplish 15 relevant things each month. It's certainly not as imposing as the former system and will therefore be, hopefully easier to handle.

1. Get back on track to graduate!!!

2. Turn in all third quarter assignments on time (for this month at least... start small...).

2. Submit a recipe at least once a day to my recipe blog.

3. Take an hour of Me time at least every other day- 20 minutes writing, 20 minutes reading, 20 minutes of sleepy time.

4. Finish annotating all Academic Decathlon materials in the binder. Not the books. We do not talk about the research books (yet...).

5. Submit 6 scholarship applications.

6. Get W-2 and finish taxes.

7. Submit FAFSA application.

8. Stop downloading stuff from uTorrent until I can afford a new external hard drive.

9. Find someone at the bank willing to help me with those stupid fraud forms.

10. Work on 5 relationship tenants.

11. Cut soda consumption to 64 ounces a week.

12. No more drugs by February- PERIOD!!!! (Well, except if I'm dying or something, duh... or migraines- it's the same thing).

13. Clean out classes/et al file box.

14. Start recipe/finance file box.

15. Catch up on thank you cards/shipping/letters.

Bank Balance: $3.48 checking, $5 savings. Look at me- rolling in the George-es. :-(
Money to be paid back: $150
Money Owed/Payments: $1,648
Job: None! AH!

I'll be writing more tomorrow, but it is now beddy-bye time, cause my tummy tells me so. I might post my speech for ACDEC if I can ever get the darn thing done. Or maybe I shall talk about the magical assignment hat, or Hat the Singing Turtle, or the zen of turtle waxing your car. I do not yet know! But you will like it! Because I am just that awesome. *wink*

America's Bright Youth (A Parody)

2009-01-17T23:10:00.002-07:00

I know the election is over, but I had to share these links. Please enjoy.

http://punditkitchen.com/2008/10/07/political-pictures-sarah-palin-fine-example-family-values/

http://punditkitchen.com/2008/09/22/political-pictures-barack-obama-half-breed-muslin-cloth/

The Updated Movie Soundtrack

2009-01-06T21:45:00.004-07:00

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE,
WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.

Opening Credits:
- Top Yourself by The Raconteurs

Waking Up:
- 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton (How perfect!)

First Day At School:
- Bite the Dust by The Pussycat Dolls

Falling In Love:
- Summer Skin by Death Cab for Cutie (appropriate, I suppose)

During a sex scene, you scream:
- Who Do You Think You Are by Spice Girls

Fight Song:
- A Call to Arms from the World of Warcraft Soundtrack

Breaking Up:
- Only the Beginning of the Adventure from the Chronicles of Narnia Soundtrack

After getting drunk you say:
- Better Days by Supertramp

Prom:
- The Flowers by Regina Spektor

At your speech after you become prom queen/king you say:
- Dive Into Your Heart from the Original Kingdom Hearts soundtrack

Life's OK:
- Super Trouper by Abba

Mental Breakdown:
- Lovestoned by Justin Timberlake

Driving:
- I'm Finding it Harder to be a Gentleman by the White Stripes (I have bad road rage- does that count?

Flashback:
- Switch by Will Smith (that works since I spent my kid years in da hood)

Getting Back Together:
- Something to Talk About by Badly Drawn Boy (Yay! A good song!)

Wedding:
- Shipmiester's Shanty from the Kingdom Hearts II soundtrack (we be pirates- arrrr)

Birth of Child:
- Que Sera Sera by Doris Day

Paying the Dues:
- How I Would Die by Carter Burwell from "Twilight" (The movie and the books sucked, but the music was kick ass- plus this fits pretty well)

Your deepest secret:
- I Am the Walrus redone by Jim Carrey (I am he as you are me and we are all together. That's right- I can read your mind.)

Night Before War:
- Touch Me by the Doors (Sex before fighting! Booya!)

Final Battle:
- To the Moon and Back by Savage Garden

Moment of Triumph:
- Dream of the Shore Bordering Another World from the Chrono Cross soundtrack

Death Scene:
- Savin' Me by Nickelback (what an oxymoron)

Funeral Song:
- Let Go by Frou Frou (fitting and awesome)

End Credits:
- Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny by the Andrews Sisters (Leave 'em dancin', that's what I say)

Denouement

2009-01-03T09:13:00.001-07:00

My acting teacher once asked us, "What are you willing to give up in order to be brilliant?"

After several months of ignoring the question, I've come up with an answer:

Everything.

I'll keep my closest friends.

I'll keep my closest family.

Everything else, and everyone else that is not relevant to my career--goodbye.

I've cared too much, invested too much time, money, heart and soul into people who at the end of the day, aren't there for me.

And for the people who I have turned my back on that did care, for those whom I was blind to, I am sorry.

But you're probably better off for it.

So for 2009, I learn to let go.

I learn to focus my energy where it needs to go, not to misguided attempts at filling a void.

I detach.

I Want to be a Teen Titan

2009-01-03T09:10:00.001-07:00

Yep, I want to play Raven.

That is all.

The Time Has Come!

2008-11-09T22:41:00.003-07:00

My lifeline to the world has been cut off. My lovely HP Pavillion has died. I know, I know. I am heartbroken too. But I have some good news in this awful world.

I HAVE A NEW LAPTOP!!!!!

It's an Acer Aspire, and it's very pretty indeed. Plus, mom is going to split the costs with me so I'll only have to pay $300 for it! And the space bar works!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

On the downside, I have to pay $300 for it (and it runs Vista, but that's another story). So! In addition, I spent $30 in search of this rogue laptop, that I just ended up having to go to Wal-Mart for.

However, I did find some really marked down perfume for my mom. Which is nice. So that's $30 off the top of her birthday money budget.

Just thought I'd catch you all up. I'm off to do all the homework that was forgotten in the computer death horror.

Budget Update November- 1st

2008-11-08T22:42:00.002-07:00

I have already spent my $20 this month, I have my mom's birthday money saved up (so I might have some more money saved up by the end of the month, allowing of course that sweaters are on sale), road trip is saved, and I even had $7 extra dollars to put into my savings account. Yay for me.

So my new goals for this month are, in addition to the ones before:
Savings: $40
Road Trip: $25
Christmas: $75
Graduation: $20

Once again, all extra money goes directly into savings.

Oh yeah- and my mom owes me money for graduation, since I used all of my stashed away money to pay for the down payment on all of that shit, so that'll help out significantly. Well, let's hope for that.

Budget Proposal

2008-11-03T20:15:00.003-07:00

With my job, it's hard to make a budget. I don't have any set hours, set amount of tips, anything. So, the least I work is usually about 2 and a half hours, so that is what I have set up my budget on. I'm making about $31.50 a week, with that reckoning. After taxes, I have about $25.00. If I underestimated that, the extra money will go towards paying taxes at the end of the year. I can also estimate making about $20 a week in tips. That goes towards other things, bringing me up to $42, once again, accounting for taxes.

The hardest part of this is paying rent, which is $400 a month. I can maybe get away with paying $250-$300 a month, and having to pay the rest off in college. Therefore, paying the $250 a month, I'm in the hole $82. So now the question comes down to "should I just rack up the debt with interest to pay off later?" This seems like the only solution at this point to make ends meet. That means that by the time I graduate (with the addition of last month's missed payment, and half of September's, on top of the next, we'll say 9 months), I'll have $4420 of debt. By that time, however, I should be able to start paying it off and all will be well.

Approximate taxes for 2008 (overestimating): $250
Christmas (ue): $300
Mom's Birthday (oe): $200
Valentines/Anniversary (ue): $100
Graduation (oe): $400
Senior Trip (oe): $750
Party? (oe): $150?
Total: $2150
(This one will take 51 weeks of work to pay off)

Christmas: $200
Mom's Birthday:$100
Valentines/Anniversary: $75
Graduation: $375
Senior Trip: $625
Party: $100, only $10 each if everyone pitched in
Total: $1575/$1485
(This one will take 35 weeks of work to pay off)

I would just like to point out that I have maybe 31 weeks of work left until the end of school, maybe less, accounting for holidays and sickness. I might be able to bring that up to 35 weeks of work if I don't quit until the start of July.

Now I do know that I make more than this with tips and that I'm overestimating things on purpose. This way, if I have any cash leftover from these expenses, I can simply put them into my special nifty secret savings account! If I save up enough to pay a month of rent, then I will- it'll help later on. Also, I'm adding a $20 MUST of spending money a month. I do need a little treat money, and if I don't use it all, good for me. That'll go into savings too. Plus, these are just estimates, of course. I'm budgeting for somewhere in between those two figures.

I'm making about $168 a month, with taxes, overestimation, et al. The break up of funds shall go as such for November:
-- $20 spending money ($148)
-- $120 Mom's birthday, since it's this month ($28)
-- $25 Road trip ($3)
-- $3 Savings

We'll see where I am by the end of the week. Keep in mind, this month will be a bit skewed since I have two paychecks I have yet to cash from when I sick. And tips. That info will be posted here and how the money was appropriated.

Sabbatical

2008-10-26T09:33:00.002-07:00

Alright. I'm done with what I'm doing right now. I'm done with school, I'm done with work, I'm done with my family, I'm done with my relationships. So, I'm going to go take a trip somewhere. I haven't decided yet. Things just aren't right and I need to figure out what's going wrong. I'll come back once I figure out what my next step is.

Meditation

2008-10-26T07:59:00.005-07:00

I'm really concerned now. Can a relationship be so defined on the clashing of tempers and beliefs and political stance that once there is the slight possibility of compromise or agreement, that alone becomes the state of another conflict? I used to think that we argued because we are so similar, and, that conflict kept the relationship healthy and alive. But there is something here that makes us incompatible, and I don't necessarily think it's because our viewpoints don't directly coincide.

The brevity of the situation, I think, is coming to be defined by the whole give/take relationship. I want there to be more than just the physical, just the fighting. So, I've been trying to learn about WoW, GW, his church, games, and conservatism. I've even changed many of my opinions, not to mention my beliefs, in the attempt make things more harmonious. But, seemingly, it just makes things worse.

On the flip side, granted, I've seen some effort. He's come to agree with me on some aspects of conservation and he gives up game time on a regular basis to be with me; these are things that I have grown my respect for him- things that show me he does care about me. But even so, I can't see him putting nearly as much time (both real or fiscal) or effort into this as I have. He's so grounded in his beliefs that if it doesn't fit with the confines of a little puzzle-piece space, it doesn't exist, it's not right, and no longer worth his time.

I'm just so scared right now. Should this fall through, what do I have? My friends have all turned their backs on me because of the Laura situation, and, by lack of association, I would be outcast from the guys. It all culminates into a big sleep-deprived, weepy mess. I'd be the one left begging and crying and in disgrace and he'd be too proud to even admit any past connection too me. He's too proud to even acknowledge that's what's going to happen if we continue on this path.

I've had the night to think about this, to try and calm my nerves. I've come to the conclusion that what I'm doing now simply isn't enough. But I don't know what else I can do! Should I completely submit to his will, agree to be dragged along for a few years until he meets some other girl that's a gymnast that plays WoW, has decent grades, without the crazy family, and actually is a member of his faith and believes as he does- one he wouldn't have to work to change? Knowing me, I would- I'm already on that road and already ignoring any detours that would pop up. Should I just ignore my thoughts and beliefs so that neither of us feel ill will towards the other? Since I'm fairly good at suppressing that "urge" to buck the system, as proven by the first fourteen years of my life, that seems like the more logical thing to do, especially if I do it myself, so that there's no desire to dislike him.

I'm confused more than anything. I just want him to be happy, but once in a while I'd like to be happy too. Not happy because of rushing endorphins or dopamine- happy because there is peace and respect between us. I love him, and there's just nothing but that. The trouble is making the other parts of the machine work. It's like having that annoying little "check engine" light on all the time, but never finding anything wrong with the engine.

Teh Movie List Update 1

2008-10-20T22:34:00.002-07:00

Complete: Mean Girls

Newly Added:
-- Anchorman
-- Talledega Nights

Weird...

2008-10-19T10:58:00.001-07:00

Platypus!

2008-10-14T20:57:00.002-07:00

I want to take a walk. A real walk. A nice comfy walk. Walking that is comfy. A walk that is the walk of walks. A walk to end all walks. A walk that covers it all. A walk that fixes everything. A walk that defines and defys the laws of society and physics. A walk of merit. A walk that goes on to the next mile. A walk that takes us to the next mile. By walking. With trees in the vicinity. And a moose would be nice. I like moose.

That is all.

Teaching Tools

2008-10-12T17:34:00.003-07:00

I'm very nostalgic today for some reason. Actually, I find that always happens when I have a head cold. I have nothing else to do but foggily think about things I shouldn't be thinking about, but since I'm so foggy there's not much else to think about besides cheese and the mating habits of sea monkeys.

I find it strange how that some of best memories come from the worst of people. Every day after school my dad and I would go to 7-11 and get slurpees, sunflower seeds, jerky, and sometimes, a Drumstick ice cream cone with a caramel centre. We'd head to either a UTA parking lot for skiers to watch the goats climb around, or to a park and play catch with a football, depending on the season. I always had to memorize poetry for school and I distinctly remember challenges of who could memorize the fastest or the longer poem. Sometimes, if I was very lucky, we'd go to Barnes and Noble beforehand and I'd get a book or a CD. Those were the best days. Once, I got both the Pippi Longstockings Anthology AND the 98 Degrees (And Rising) CD. I was like "oh yeah- I'm awesome! Take that you freaky blonde girls with your jawbreakers and Laura Ashley hand sanitizer!" I was da shiz for a day in second grade.

Back when everyone still lived here in the US, we would always be at Austin's house. They had this huge grand room with hardwood floors and, even more, his parents didn't care what we did in there; it was never used except for parties. Austin's dad used to fence for Eaton so there were always a bunch of swords lying around. Being the big, older boys they were, Alex, Ted, Roger, and Austin always were showing off their manliness by "swashbuckling," although it looked rather more like two prats flailing at each other. But, of course, Marina and I were both much too young (only 3-7 years junior to the rest of them) to be playing with the swords, so we always had to watch from the sidelines- no fun. However, one night, when we were over there for a movie night, I was extremely bored, Alex noticed, and took me outside to the foyer. It was finally my time to learn how to fence (mainly because he was trying to stake his claim on me and because he had a bet with Austin, or some such). I was ecstatic. He had always been the most athletic of all of us and was the best teacher when it came to sporty things. I'll always remember that- and, I must admit, I was damn good at it. By the way, Austin totally won the bet. We had a slave boy for a month. It was awesome.

From every person you meet, you will receive a gift, a teaching, if you will, to apply later on. It may not be major, you may never even notice it. But it's there, waiting to be used. I learned a lot from my dad and Alex- how not to treat people, to love learning and literature, to parry, to not completely break in the face of great obstacles. People come into your life for a reason and lately, I'm having trouble determining how to achieve the end goals that come with these teachings. Usually, when you're meant to do something, the universe will somehow line up and make it possible.

But, lately, my universe hasn't really been lining up. Everything that has been planned seems to be falling apart and the things that could make them happen seem so completely obscure that they have no chance of happening, or the cosmos simply won't cooperate. It's bugging me. I've seen my chicken lady 3 times this week, but the light always changes or I'm in a car or she's simply too far away to hear me. My baptism is officially off as a reasonable loop-hole is non-existent. I've been unable to sleep for almost a month which is making me sicker than I already am. My dad refuses to pay for college, and the fund my mom and I had set aside is now going towards her retirement. Oh, and, most of all, my mom is off for about 10 days. What is going on? Seriously!

On a lighter note, I finally have car insurance. Yay! Paycheck left over: $0.09. Boo-ya! Tootsie roll for me!

Hello

2008-10-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

I Love You (too)

(Won't you tell me your name?)

Wolf and Raven

2008-10-04T22:50:00.003-07:00

It should never have to be hard, but it is. The fact is we'll work through it- we always do and we always will. It's just the in between parts that make you feel wretched. Measure that in numbers and facts. Sometimes things aren't so easily explained. One can argue for ages with numbers and facts but, that will never overpower a holistic approach. Some people just can't understand that for some reason. And somehow that makes them superior? I think not. Can one's mind be so one track that they can only be reason or feeling and unable to combine the two? I should not have been so angry and I'm trying so hard to understand his views and incorporate them into my own. But I'm tired of being bullied and run over and pushed around and having my opinions and beliefs shredded. Partnerships are about complete honesty and respect. He says he wants conversation but all he wants is to hear himself talk. He says he can hear me, but does he ever listen? Am I always destined to be wrong? Am I just this never ending vortex of stupid ideas and silly plans? They say that the worst sin is pride because you will never be able to break it by helping another person, as you can with the other sins; you will always be completing some task for the glory of yourself. Which leads me to ask: is he here for me or for the conquest, the glory for himself? All I want to do is make him happy. I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong to deserve this.

Further Proof

2008-09-28T14:43:00.001-07:00

I will always come second to video games. What a surprise.

Let's Blow Shit Up

2008-09-28T13:46:00.003-07:00

I love Pink. Totally kick ass. This isn't the best clip out there, but it is the only that would embed. Oh well.

Resolute-ish

2008-09-28T12:04:00.004-07:00

Alright, so, once again, I am the immoral one. I am the one who is going to make things turn out shitty. Wahoo for me. I do understand what's going on, why he does what he does, why he believes what he believes, and, damn it, I get why things are wrong. I'M NOT AS STUPID AS HE THINKS I AM. There's this little thing called being human. And guess what!? Apparently, I'm the only one who makes mistakes. So, until I don't feel like I need to a) cry/get angry every time I think about him, b) stop getting mad about always getting the blame put on me, c) be frustrated over homecoming and the connotations, d) doubt my own goodness or "worthiness" constantly because I'm the only immoral one, or e) punch babies in the face, I'll be on full embargo. Only class time will be spent together. No breakfast, no lunch, no after school. Nothing. But you know what really bothers me? IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT. He's always flaking out or finding some excuse not to do things he doesn't want to do. Oh ya- it was totally convenient that his check showed up 2 days after homecoming, a dance he didn't want to go to in the first place. He never takes responsibility as a guilty party. He's a god of course, he can't do anything wrong- we are all lesser and so humbled by his presence. And, of course, I can never understand any Christian belief, or how God works, or MORALS, because there's something wrong with me- I'm either too stupid to understand, or too far gone into "sin" to be pulled back. Isn't that cheery? My favourite part of all- even if it's something important, does he even try to pay attention? No! And what bothers me the most is- if he's going to go sleep or do homework or eat or something, fine. Whatever. I'm cool with that. But lying to me about something that menial? I know he just does it to play games. Which I'm fine with! But don't lie to me! You know that saying how girls are attracted to men who share the same qualities as their fathers? Apparently that's exactly what I'm doing. What's going to happen next? Am I going to be left behind for some Mormon girl who's "perfect and pure"? I am trying so hard to do everything right, but guess what? I mess up. I'm not Mormon, I'm not a gamer, I'm not a gymnast, I'm not a conservative. I'm never going to be who he wants. And knowing him, o impatient one, I'll never get a chance to prove it. Or he'll always be thinking of how I can be fixed, or changed, or why he even got involved with me in the first place. I love him more than anything. And I know that I would do just about anything he asked me to. But I'll never be good enough for him. I know that now. So the question remains: hurt now or hurt later? It's his decision really, cause, oh ya, I forgot, I committed. Oh look- that's something he doesn't understand. I guess we're even.

Teh Movie List

2008-09-16T19:14:00.004-07:00

Mad Max
Braveheart
Moulin Rouge
Ten Commandments
Juno
Mean Girls
Labyrinth
Sweeney Todd
The Other Sister
Wanted
The Mummy 2
The Mummy 3
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Downfall
Pan's Labyrinth
Aladdin
The Dark Knight
Run, Fatboy, Run
Dawn of the Dead
The Ring
City of Ember
Looking for Richard
Righteous Kill
Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark
The Godfather
Willow
Roman Holiday
Monty Python's Life of Brian
Jurassic Park
Blazing Saddles
Robin Hood: Men In Tights
Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen
Aeon Flux
James Bond: Casino Royale
Resident Evil 1
Resident Evil 2
Tomb Raider
Ghostbusters 1
Ghostbusters 2
The Matrix
Patton
Red Dragon
Lawrence of Arabia
The Ruling Class
Out of Africa
The English Patient
Somewhere in Time
The Dark Crystal
Just Friends
A Fish Called Wanda
Ben Hur
Spartacus
Cool Hand Luke
Road to Perdition

Twlight is a Joke

2008-09-12T22:08:00.002-07:00

You are Edward Cullen. Charming and polite yet stubborn and overprotective, your desperately adorable crooked smile bears the weight of your inner pain and self-loathing. Your salvation lies in love -- though you won't admit it, you feel you can save your soul in the arms of your true love, Bella.

Twilight Quiz by QuizRocket.com fun tests!
Fun Quizzes | Quizes | MySpace Quizzes
» » "Who Should I Vote For?" « «

Sick

2008-09-11T18:57:00.002-07:00

I feel sick. The title was self-explanatory. The question is why. Granted I spent a good deal of time in the back of a bus today, but that's not it. I had some weird things happen today.

I had my meeting this morning, which was awesome. They're both cool, out of state guys who actually know what they're doing and believe in what they're doing. One's a historian, the other a mathematician. But! I'm fasting on the 21st (holiday!) for guidance on what to do with my mom. I'm not really hoping for much, but it's always worth a try. In my mind, I'm trying to do what is best and what is right. So far, it's not working very well. Yet again, the lack of food is not what's making me sick, or the decision to convert, or the decisions that have to be made with my mom.

Which, by the way, I had a talk tonight with her when she got home. I just had this absolute urge just to come out with all, tell her everything, but I restrained. It came out more like, "Hey mom. Can I go to the seminary on Monday and ask some questions? After all, I'm going out with a Mormon, and I thought I'd let you know before I went this time so you wouldn't be angry." Ok... so it's not the whole truth, but it's a start and it gave me permission to be taught, in a sense. She's letting me, so long as I spend an equal amount of time with Reverend Ed. But she tempered her permission with a stern, "you have to keep in mind how they act. They're very nice and understanding to start out with but then you realize they're not real people. They're just pod people, they're stupid sheep. I'm not worried about you- you have enough sense to realize how sick these people are." Well, it's a start.

I had a great talk with JT's mom today. It was enlightening and cool and just, overall, interesting. But I learned some things. For one, don't sleep outside. It's cold at night, apparently. Two, I have a very thin line to walk here, between balancing my mom and my faith. It's going to suck. Really bad. Super suckage. Three, I have no idea how the hell my mom and his parents are going to get along. There's a rift already because of the religious differences, but the rift due to how they think of my mom (currently- the Hulk when he's slightly perturbed). In my defense, I've told the truth in everything- this isn't something you'd joke about or lie about, that's just wrong- but the situation looks horrible from the outside. It's not. It's just different in kind of a bad way. It's a little bit stressed, that's all. I hate people thinking of my mom in a bad light, cause that's not her! But, I'll have to see what comes of it. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I was hassled today by some girls from the soccer team about my personal life with JT. And to be honest, it really pissed me off. What bothered me even more was that these girls were SBO's too! They were so uncouth and so rude and so nosy, it made me sick. Thank God Cortland was there (we were picking up his pictures). I mean, ugh! The conversation went something like this (normal for these girls, bold for me, italics for Cort):
"So, wait, haven't you and Trapp been going out for a long time?"
"Not really- about 6 months."
"That's, like, a really long time. So have you guys french kissed yet?"
"Sure?"
"Ya, they had Chemistry together last year. What do you expect?"
"So, you guys are, like, totally in love, right?"
"Um.... sure?"
"Is he your first boyfriend? Is that why you love him so much?"
"No, he's not, but we work well together."
"Oh! I knew it! Aren't you Alana?"
"Yes. How do you know me and I don't know you?"
"Ya! You were that girl that *giggling and air quotes* 'went out' with Alta football team, right?" "No, that's just a rumour. I had a friend on the team."
*giggling* "Ya- 'a friend'."
"Hey, can I get my pictures? This really isn't any of your business."
"Ya, that's sort of my personal stuff."
"But, seriously though, haven't you guys started talking about marriage yet?"
"Uh... no? We're teenagers."
"But you guys have been going out for, like, a really long time. Are you not Mormon or something?"
"Sure, we've been going out for a while, but we're not talking about that. And, no, I'm not Mormon."
*knowing look* "Ooooh. So, well, have you guys done the nasty yet? I mean, you've done it before, right?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"What is your problem? You don't ask someone something like that!"
"But have you?"
" *sarcastic* Ya, that's why they take Biology together. Duh."
"*giggles* Oh my gosh! You did it in class! Does his dad know?"
"What!? No! We haven't had sex! Why is this any of your business!? You have no reason to be asking me these questions!"
"You wouldn't be so defensive if you were pure."
"Fuck you! Let's go."
I felt bad because Cort didn't get his pictures, but I was just blown away at how rude these girls were. But yet again, not the reason I feel sick.

I told JT my theory on my friendships yesterday and about my dream. It's kind of bothering me that I did. Not because I don't want him to know. Absolutely not! It's the fact that a) I kept it for so long, and, b) I just don't want my friendship theory to actually effect our relationship. I mean, I can understand if that happened naturally- it's what happens and I'm used to it- I just don't want him to pity me or be mad at me if things fall apart because it turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. What I saw in my dream (and yes, it is personal, so no type-y, type-y of the dreamy dreamy), should be my self-fulfilling prophecy. But, knowing my luck, and knowing the circumstances that are going to follow because of my spiritual choice, that path might not happen. That path might disintegrate and what would I be left with? An cube-like, empty shell of a person and an empty Pandora's box.

In reality, I really don't know what's bothering me. I've just got this sense of foreboding that something bad is going to happen and I can't shake it. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I should even put stock in it. I'm just frightened. And worried, admittedly. Ok, and a little, itty bit stressed out. Well, I guess this is something I'll have to pray on. Or at least think about deeply.

It's kind of scary actually. The whole praying thing. The druids believed the best time to kill someone was when they were praying. Not only were their physical defenses down, but until they finished their prayer, their spiritual channel was opened and free. It was the best way to bring down a person because you'd destroy their entirety. I'm scared that's what will happen to me. By opening myself up like this, isn't there a chance for evil to creep in? (Another interesting Druid fact- they believed in a God-dess head: the mother (=the father), the goddess (=Jesus), the crone (=Holy Ghost, because old ladies are always nagging at you).)

Anyway, what's next is really bothering me. Right now, I need guarantees. And not just any guarantees. I need the lasting sort. Such as- Lifetime Guarantees on the warranties of things I buy, real promises that people will actually follow up on what they told me they'd do, guarantees that I'm not, once again, going to be grown out of- that people will actually stick around for once. That sort of thing. I know it's asking a lot, but maybe, because I've chosen this path, miracles can happen.

Even With Handlebars

2008-08-27T21:42:00.003-07:00

Why can't I let him in? He's right there and totally like "booya! Let's do this!" And I'm over here being a total prat and just screwing myself over. I'm tired of being pushed around and the only one who's not pushing me is the one I'm pushing against. There's a part of me that's telling me to just go all out, no reserves, just go for it. And the other part, more noticeably, the logical part is saying that there's no way in hell I'd find acceptance from someone so ingrained into a belief system. I mean, look at what that's been like in the past. I don't want him to be involved in my drama- he has enough already, and he's handling it better than I ever could. Look at me now- hardly anything is truly wrong with my situation and I'm a wreck. I'm sick of being scared and out of control.... well, not out of control, just without control, which is probably worse I think. Bleh. I love him too much to, in all essence, will him to be hurt because of me. I need to get around this molehill and keep going. And I will- I know I will. That's not the problem. The problem is if I enough fortitude to get around the next one and the next one and the one after. And really, if I don't have enough fortitude to keep myself running, how the hell could I expect him to want to keep up? Even you are the greatest mountaineer ever, after enough molehills, even they start to look like mountains without much help from your messed up psyche. Ugh. I just don't know.

When I Grow Up, I Want To Have Groupies!- June

2008-08-24T19:21:00.002-07:00

June is two things: hot and hotter. Being human, it is hard for me to comprehend how heat brings about the flourishing of nature. Where I would be laying on the cold tile of my basement puddling, these creatures are drawn out by the overbearing sun. This desolate place has turned from the hesitant shufflings of mule deer and the quiet hum of crickets, into a full fledged party, Animal House style (naturally, without the antics of John Belushi).

Clubbed to Death- May

2008-08-24T16:44:00.007-07:00

First thing one needs to know about facing the wilderness: sandals and bell bottoms are not a good combination, especially in extremely sandy areas like the Dimple Dell gully. Let me also point out hiking is not my strong suit. Not only do sandals tend to catch every root possible (which I find fairly strange, as most of the plants around here are dicots), but they go flying into the scrubs as I fall flat on my face, usually sliding a couple of feet before coming to rest on the steep incline. I'm quite sure Jeff was tired of fetching my shoes by the time we reached the bottom of the gully. Thankfully, I was designated to set up camp while he ran back and forth to the car (the farmers around here are so nice! That or when we go get supplies we'll find that they sold my baby Barracuda) to grab supplies. Another tip for future campers of the area: do not set up your tent on an incline, or it will slowly migrate towards the river during dinner.

We officially took our first findings May 31st. Even at 9 am, the sun was already scorching the ground at 85 degrees Fahrenheit. Utah being a horrid desert climate, it only got hotter and more unbearable as the day went on. With creek was raging down the mountain side, our campsite was at the perfect position to monitor the animals that visited. Of course you had the normal House Wrens and Bushtits picking up their morning meals from, not the usual ground in the form of grubs, but from the trees and the larvae laid there. But I was surprised to find hummingbirds, not only this early in the season, but also because there's hardly any growth of edible plants (well, for hummingbirds at least). However, having the creek so nearby also has its downfalls. Earlier this evening I heard the rattle of a rattlesnake. Naturally, I ran to get Jeff because, first, I'm afraid of snakes, second, I don't want to die alone, and third, I'm really afraid of snakes. Due to the water's "white noise," he, of course didn't hear anything. It's wonderful to have a plot partner that thinks you're insane after only 24 hours in the middle of nowhere that you'll be spending the next 3 months with.

Parade of Jealousy

2008-07-27T21:46:00.002-07:00

I will be taking tickets for the Parade of Homes from 11-9 on August 3rd and 10th, and from 4-9 on the 13th. If you want to drop by, say hi, and be jealous of a mansion you will never be able to afford, please feel free and stop by (with food and drink preferably)!

I'm getting paid about $7 an hour to stand at the front door and punch tickets, so I'll be making $175 for 25 hours of doing nothing. I could probably bring a book and finish it- just saying. Of course, after taxes, that will probably be more around $150, but still. This helps sooo much!

Therefore, the below post has been edited accordingly. Thank you for your cooperation. Please proceed to the exit doors on your right and have a nice day.

Debt Schedule 1

2008-07-27T12:42:00.006-07:00

Rent: $400/mo or $6000 total (15 mo)
Shakespeare: $1500
18.6aug: $250
Ann1: $100
Ann2: $100
Ebay: $75
Paypal: $75
Xmas: $200
School clothes: $300
School fees: $200
Books: $400
Spanish: $40
French: $40
Mom xmas: $200
Mom bday: $200
Dev blankie: $175
Bike: $325
Prom: $200
Dinner Dance: $100
Other Dances: $100
Dates: $300
Paris: $1050
Lost: $50
Driving: $150
License: $50
Gym Punchcards: $540
Internship: $300
Savings: $1750
Car Insurance: $80/mo or $1040 total (13 mo)
Life Insurance: $30/mo or $390 total (13 mo)
Zions: $300
Food, et al: $3050
Total:$19,200

Income: $75 a week or $300 a month or $3900 in 13 months from Chef Ming
$150 from the Parade of Homes
To be edited later if I get a new job too

PLAN!!!! yellow Chef Ming orange other income
August: 18.6aug and half of Ann, $150 of clothes
September: other half of Ann, school fees, and $50 of ebay
October: $25 of ebay, $75 of paypal, 2 months car insurance,
November: mom bday, half of mom xmas
December: other half of mom xmas, dev blankie, $25 of otra xmas
January: $175 of otra xmas, $75 Zions, $50 lost
February: $100 of clothes, Ann2, $75 of prom
March: $125 of prom, 2 months car insurance, $15 savings
April: $50 of clothes, 3 months car insurance, $10 savings
May: dinner dance, dances, 1 month car insurance, $20 savings
June: 3 monthscar insurance, 2 months life insurance
July: 2 months car insurance, 4 months life insurance, $20 savings
August: 7 months life insurance, $90 savings
Finished: 18.6 aug, Ann1, Ann2, school fees, ebay, paypal, car insurance, life insurance, mom bday, mom xmas, dev blankie, otra xmas, school clothes, prom, dinner dance, dances, lost money, $155 savings, $75 Zions

Leftovers:
---$1595 Savings
---$6000 Rent
---$1500 Shakespeare
---$400 Books
---$40 Spanish
---$40 French
---$325 Bike
---$350 Dates
---$1050 Paris
---$150 Driving
---$50 License
---$540 Gym Punchcards
---$225 Zions
---$300 Internship
---$3050 Food
Total: $15,590, before college fees, taxes, new bills, and moving costs

Naturally, I have overestimated things and underestimated the income. Therefore, I have a cushion if I underestimated. Any extra cash will be split between food and savings. If one of those gets paid off, we move on to a new debt, and so on and so forth. According to the MSN calculator, the original total will take 5 years, 6 months at $300 a month to pay off. The new total will take 4 years, 6 months at $300 to pay off.

I will also be keeping track of ALL finances, in a steno and recording all receipts each month. This blog post will be updated as new information becomes available.

College Costs

2008-07-26T23:03:00.002-07:00

JT:
Semester tuition and books: $2250 or $600/mo
Car: $250/mo
Insurance: $135/mo
Housing: $400/mo
Food: $400/mo
Emergency:$250/mo
Utilities: $250/mo
Grants and Scholarships: -$3000/yr or -$250/mo
Total: $2035/mo or $24,420/yr

Moi:
Semester tuition and books: $2250 or $600/mo
Car: $150/mo
Insurance: $80/mo
Housing: $680/mo
Food: $400/mo
Emergency: $350/mo
Utilities: $250/mo
Grants and Scholarships: -$1500/yr or -$125/mo
(Daddy money: -$1000-$1200/mo)
Total: $2385/mo ($1385-$1185) or $28,620/yr ($16,620-$14,220)

School Clothes

2008-07-26T22:08:00.003-07:00

JT:
3 jeans
5 shirts
1 bag socks
1 bag undies!
Budget:$150-$200

Moi:
2 jeans
1 black slacks
1 leggings
3 t shirts
2 tank tops
2 collared shirts
2 tunic tops
1 bag socks
1 bra
5 pair undies
Budget: $200-$250

Jobby Job Job

2008-07-25T21:52:00.003-07:00

I just started my job at Chef Ming's today and, simply put, I am da shiz. I know I say that alot- but it's true. I only spilled one glass of ice and that was in my first ten minutes of work. I made $28.34 in tips, which with my salary is about $44.84- in three hours! And, according to the girl that was training me I also get free dinner any night I'm working- and it's anything I want, no planned menu, thank god! Even better- all the free soda I want (which might not be a good thing- I had four or five glasses of Mountain Dew so I most likely won't be able to go to sleep)!

I'm rollin' in the Benjy's right now (that's the blue-collar version of the Benjamin's) and I'm quite happy with myself. So, right now, I'm off to treat myself to some very relaxing, classical Rammstein from the Volkerball (I don't know why I'm craving Metal right now) and some rice I got some work. Maybe I'll be really wild and have some ice cream! Who knows? I'm cah-razy right now!

Come Fly With Me

2008-07-16T20:05:00.001-07:00

Which World Of Warcraft Character Are You?

2008-07-15T16:40:00.001-07:00

Which World Of Warcraft Character Are You?

Devbook Quizzes!!

OMGWTFBQQ

2008-07-14T15:59:00.004-07:00

You know those days where people just can't seem to meet up? Or they suddenly become busy? Yes- today is one of those disappointing days. A day where the things that just don't add up, and you end up having to spend time with people that you can't stand or do errands that don't necessarily concern you but you have to do them anyway. Today, affirmatively, was not a happy day.

I've been trying to pen a letter and things just seem to be getting more and more convoluted, which in turn, completely kills the purpose of the letter in the first place. Which reminds me- I've never received my second letter, JT -tsk tsk. We needs to talk.

And now I'm off to a bachelorette party with no money to pay for dinner. Mommy Dearest would be so proud.

Gwrawr!

2008-07-13T10:26:00.002-07:00

My insurance is going to cost $76 a month. Not too shabby.

Plus, just so everyone knows, JT is not getting an iPod for his birthday, et al. (being most of the other things on my debts/things to buy list).

That is all.

Jana-Gana-Mana

2008-07-11T14:13:00.002-07:00

As I was going through some old papers today, I found a list of strange facts, one of which was the title of the Indian National Anthem (not the please come to our casinos Indians). Jana-Gana-Mana literally translated mean "thou art the ruler of the minds of all people." Maybe this is just me, but are subliminal messengers getting lazy? It took zealot crazies a couple of decades to post their findings on the weed-encouraging, devil mongering messages within recordings of Led Zepplin and The Who. This isn't even subtle! Come on now, brainwashers- you can do better than that. I believe in you!

Espacia Oficina

2008-07-11T11:40:00.003-07:00

I just watched Office Space and I am contrite. How could a nerd, much less a movie buff, such as myself go for 17 years without seeing this film. It's insanity! I loved this!

Of course, the story is rather textbook, but life is in the details. Milton's creepy bug-eye glasses, pyro tendencies, and his obsession with his top of the line red Swingline stapler is the spotlight behind the spotlight in this film- it just wouldn't be the same without his high-pitched mumblings. Even so, you can tell this film was made from personal experience. The crazy neighbour through the thin walls and the schemes of money laundering all come from life- you can't make that up. All in all, I was impressed and I can really understand now how watching three guys beat a printer to death managed to spawn a cult classic. I could watch this over and over again and probably find new jabs every time.

This is one of those shows, like Fame, where it was the minor actors made it big. Gary Cole (the greatest C lister of all time), Stephan Root (of Dodgeball fame), John C. McGinley (Dr. Cox on Scrubs), Jennifer Aniston (Rachael Green of Friends), Brian ("The Office"), and Didrich Baker ("The Drew Carey Show") have all skyrocketed after this film. But where are our three main characters? On VH1's "I Love the...." series or most likely deported back to England.

Final result: Must watch!

Bubble Guts

2008-07-10T21:19:00.002-07:00

Can I complain for a second? Well, it's my blog so it better bloody well be allowed.

$50!!!!!!! $50!!!!!!! For 4 tiny, itty bitty hours of reservation! I can't afford that! Supplies are already about $400, not to mention the money I've already spent on BPs. And I can guarantee that NO ONE will be willing to help out. Guarantee!!!!

What we need now is a tent, some tables, some chairs- ugh, this is going to be much more expensive. But hopefully people will be nice and donate, like they're supposed to if they're good Christians. Haha- that's horrible of me.

Will this project succeed? Check back next week for the continuing story of "Watch LV pull out her hair and scream in frustration!" It's sure to be action packed fun for the whole family!

Religion Rawr!

2008-07-10T21:12:00.000-07:00

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care.

For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine.

You rather focus on what you can control - your own life.

And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

My Values Apparently

2008-07-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.

You're loyal to your friends... to a point.

But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.

Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.

You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.

If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.

In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity a fair amount.

You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.

Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.

But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!

Humility:

You value humility highly.

You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.

And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.

You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance highly.

Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...

You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.

You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

The Five Factor Values Test

What Blood Type are You?

2008-07-08T17:25:00.002-07:00

Your Inner Blood Type is Type B

You follow your own rules in life, even if you change the rules every day.

Sure, you tend to be off the wall and unpredictable, but that's what makes you lovable.

And even though you're a wild child, you have the tools to be a great success.

You are able to concentrate intently - and make the impossible possible.

You are most compatible with: B and AB

Famous Type B's: Leonardo Di Caprio and

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

The True You

2008-07-08T17:25:00.001-07:00

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.

You think good luck might come your way, but if it does you'll be so surprised you'll burst out laughing.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be reluctant to accept things as they are. And you are prone to think negatively.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Who's The True You?

The Road Trip Test

2008-07-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

The Road Trip of Your Life

You see companionship and loyalty as what's most important in life.

You live life at a fairly leisurely pace. You take time to enjoy the sweeter parts of life, even when you're busy.

You're willing to take a few risks in life. You may not take the road no one travels, but you're happy to take the road less traveled.

You tend to be a workaholic. You overwork yourself without ever realizing it and sometimes suffer the consequences later.

In another life, you could have been a great novelist. You have a knack for describing things in an interesting way.

The Road Trip Test

The Denial Twist

2008-07-08T16:55:00.004-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where everything has the best intentions but turns out just to be.... BLAH? Today was one of those days. I saw several people I haven't seen in years, had an amazing grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of soup, and I even got to drive an old G8 Mustang. But things just didn't seem to mean anything. Perhaps it's because I had higher expectations or I'm having left over hostile feelings from last night. I just can't find anything that makes me excited today. It's sad because life should always be exciting.

I'm watching "Glory" (who doesn't love the Irish drill sergeant?) right now- one of the greatest war movies of all time and it makes me think "what am I doing with my life?" I'm going to be a senior and I've hardly done anything, and have even less to show for it. I don't even have a decent GPA for the work I put in. Even more, my own social life seems to be deteriorating. I cannot keep my friends entertained or even coherent around me. It makes me sad to be failing so miserably.

My ninth grade Human Geography teacher wrote in my yearbook "the world doesn't care what you know, think, or dream- it is what you do that matters." I've tried to live my life by that ever since, but if I'm doing too much does that just end up negating what I've tried to build so far? That's what it seems like and I'm not quite sure how to fix it.

BellyAching

2008-07-07T10:20:00.002-07:00

Besides the small fact that my stomach really is in pain (damn you breakfast burritos!), I'm feeling rather existential. It could be gas, I'm not really sure, but all the same- questions arise.

Can we truly change?
--- Certainly we can assert a certain amount of control, but we will always remain the same flawed people.

As we are flawed, do we have the right to judge other's flaws?
--- We shouldn't, that's not our place. But human nature says we must, if only to sustain our evolutionary will to live.

Or do we judge them not on their flaws, but on their actions?
--- To simply put it in the words of My Fair Lady, "Show me." If one is flawed, but proves otherwise, or at least puts forth the effort to prove otherwise, one can only take that into account. Actions speak louder than words. Empty promises, in the end, mean nothing. Pretty words are beautiful, of course, but what use are they when you truly need help?

Is it just gas?
--- The mighty powers of Pepto Bismol say nay! In fact the might Pepto Bismol remains sketchy on the prognosis. I'm going to say nerves and too much Cholula.

Is jealousy due to inaction or action of the wrong sort?
--- Isn't action of the wrong sort, in essence, inaction? Since the action is not being done to you, you are left full of potential energy, and therefore, inactive.

Does jealousy deteriorate the potential energy?
--- Yes, it makes everything harder to understand and accept things . So, I suppose, that, sometimes, by the time you get around to removing that block, all of the potential energy is gone and you've just got a dead wooden block, on a straight plain, with 10 atmosphere's of pressure upon it making that block that used to have potential impossible to move.

Jealousy is stupid then?
--- Of course! But it's human nature- it's rampage can't be stopped. You just have to deal with it until you're proven wrong.

Is it right, then, to be jealous of an inanimate object?
--- Now, that's just stupid, isn't it? I mean, incredibly, horribly, unbelievably idiotic! Why would anyone be so washed up in themselves as to be jealous of an inanimate thing!? Sure it offers endless hours of enjoyment, but you can't change the world with it, you can't really do anything with it except have an interesting thing to talk about with your friends later. But at the same time, human nature compels me to say that you can be, no matter how idiotic it is. Jealousy due to inaction, especially by the jealous party, is the worst.

And just so everyone knows, "Stargirl" is an awesome book- I don't care what you say, Will.

Tracking Sheet 1

2008-06-30T20:56:00.002-07:00

It's safe to say that I should not move out until I have at least $3000 in my account. Cool? Cool.

Alright. Let's continue:
VC- apparently unneeded, so that $250 back in my pocket
Caps- $20 spent and gone
Killer Headband- $10 Bought with stray money found in shed
Wireless Mouse- $40 present from Charlie

Total left: $2998

Ya... I'm screwed

COL Numero Cinco!!! Freakish Disorganization!!!

2008-06-26T16:33:00.004-07:00

Alright- I'm moving out sooner than I thought I was. It'll now be probably right after second quarter, or sometime in late January/early February. JT keeps reminding me that it's only 9 months, but due to certain recent events, and at the urging of several people, I think it's best for me to leave as soon as possible. As long as I have a steady job, and working about 15-30 hours a week, I should be ok. Also, by that time, I should have enough saved up to not have to worry if something happens, and I can't make payments that month, or something.

Here's the plan: I'm getting my license by the end of the week. Therefore, my best option is the "living out of the car" option. It's the cheapest, I can go anywhere, and I'll be relatively safe, as compared to living with a roommate- who could really be serial killer. Also, since the car I'm looking at doesn't have a lot of trunk room, I'm looking at getting a storage unit. This could also serve as a home base, so everything will be so much easier (and I'll have a clean car!!!).

Car: $1,000 initially, $300-400 a month
Garage:$200
Food: $500
Gym Membership: $50 (to counteract the junk food intake)
Phone: $100
Gas: $200
School: $75
Total: $2125 to start, $1525 a month afterwards

Guarunteed salary at $7.50 an hour: $112.50 - $225 a week

It should be fairly simple to support myself. Yay!

Debts et. al. (debts in italics):
Soda: $8
Prom: $100
Paris: $1000
Lost: $20
French: $30
Driving: $150
License: $50
Internship: $300
Gas: $500
Black Pants: $25
Headband: $10
Bike Pump: $15
Bike Lock: $15
Wireless Mouse: $40
Supplies: $400
VC: $250
S1: $25
S2: $25
Caps: $20
Blankie: $60
iPod: $150
Zippo: $25
Total: $3318 (equivalent to 28 paychecks at 15 hr/wk or 14 paychecks at 30 hr/wk)

Conclusion: No moving out until everything is paid off.
---Get another job in addition to the 15 hours a week at Chef Mings
---Make as many ebay sales as possible
---Work on FusionCash as often as possible (ditto the other 3 or 4)
---Finish all summer homework before the end of July so as to make room for extra work time, should it be a possiblity.
---Get a cheaper car
---Find cheaper insurance
---Scrounge around garage for loose camping gear and assemble
---Find a way to get extra tips

Keeping it Seperate

2008-06-22T15:02:00.004-07:00

VC: $150 (free shipping) Model: PVT84JZ1SW | SKU: 8774249
Snacks: $60
Food: $60
Dessert: $40
Utensils: $20
Rec: $45
Total: $375
with donations- $21/pp

Shirt 1: $21
Shirt 2: $23
Caps: $17
Blankie: $54
Zippo: $20
Total: $135

Ugh! I hate this! Why does everything have to be so damn expensive? That's like... 5 paychecks. I won't even have that much by the time school rolls around. How can I afford this? Of course, if people actually follow through that would be freakin' awesome, since that would only amount to 2 paychecks for me, but how does one know one can depend on teenagers? You can't! It's one of life's great mysteries....

COL Update Quatre (4)!!!!

2008-06-18T18:56:00.003-07:00

It's official- I'm moving out when I turn 18. So far, this presents some problems.
---With my school work load, due to an idiotic school counselor, I won't be able to work my hopeful 40-50 hours a week. Therefore, I won't be able to afford the apartment I want ($815 a month with wifi and a sports facility and utilities included)
---There aren't any apartments in the area that are less than $600, or less that $850 that have utilities and wifi and a sports centre included in the rent, that are in a good area (aka relatively safe) or within walking distance to a bus stop with the route I need.

My other option is to live out of my car. I know that that's allowed on school campus. I have friend who parks on the Redwood SLCC campus and did that for three months when he got kicked out and lived quite comfortably. But since I'm not 18, I won't be allowed to buy a car. By the time I'll be moving out, even though I'll have my license (hell ya!), I probably won't be making enough to pay for all the gas I'll need and eating out all the time. Besides that, I'm really looking forward to cooking for myself. I may be homeless, but I can still be healthy.

The last option is to, of course, move in with someone. The most obvious is my dad- but like that would happen. There's also my friend Erik, who is pretty clean for a guy, so it wouldn't be so bad. But he's a few more years older than me and rather more experienced than I am, which could prove to be quite negative. I could also just find a roommate, but you never know who you can trust. I don't think I could ever live in the same house as someone I didn't know beforehand. That's always been the case.

I do have a job now at Chef Ming's (starts July 25) and I'll be making anywhere from $7.50-$15.00 an hour. But I can only work about 4-5 hours a night, which is nowhere near enough to make apartment and/or car payments. Also, Synergy will be paying me about $200 an article, but that has to remain as emergency savings money.

So- here are my choices:

Apartment: $600
Utilities: $585
Cable: $100
Phone: $100
School: $75
Transportation: $50
Food: $375
Total: $1885 a month

Car: $1,000 initially, $300-400 a month
Food: $500 month
Gym Membership: $50
Phone: $100
Gas: $200
School: $75
Total: $1925 to start, $1325 a month afterwards

Roomie Apartment: $400
Utilities: $300
Cable: $50
Transportation: $50
School: $75
Phone: $100
Food: $300
Replacing Stolen or Broken stuff: $150
Total: $1425 a month

I'm really at a stalemate. I don't know what to choose. But I guess what it really comes down to is what I can afford in six months with what I've saved up and if I can still afford college, AND, more importantly, if I can do things legally. I mean, they're all around the same price, and I wouldn't mind paying more to have security of not having my stuff stolen and not getting fat. But then again, I'd love a car and living mobile. And did like my roomies in New York- but they were a strangely awesome breed. I want to have whatever situation I've decided on by early March so I'll be all moved in by my birthday and get my "check your sombrero at the door" party. Ugh- I hate money issues. Why can't everything be free?

Driver's Ed Litter Box

2008-06-18T12:54:00.004-07:00

Due to issues beyond my control, people are stupid. Especially people who take driver's ed during the summer. That's probably why they have to take it during the summer- to save the mass population from OD-ing on stupid people in their Driver's Ed classrooms and therefore corrupting their children into becoming not only idiots, but idiots with horrid driving skills.

Why am I in such a class when I am obviously such a being of higher intellect, you ask? Issues beyong my control- simply put. I did take driver's ed last year, passed with an A (the only A in the class I might add), and got an 86% on my final driving exam. The only issue being my mother refuses to drive with me. Therefore, my permit lapsed. However, we got an extension on my permit so that I can get my license before July. Except, I have to retake the class. Why? My driver's ed teacher did not file my completion certificate under my correct and legal name (he only submitted half of it). So, it would take $50 to change the name on the submitted certificate and another $50 to resend it.

The class I am currently in is only $135. Considering my mom won't drive with me and I have not been on the road in a year, we both agreed that this was the cheaper and safer route to go. I'll get all of my hours in and we'll be good to go! The road will have a new driver to watch out for in the next two weeks. Hence, my schedule:

19th: 7am-1pm
20th: 8am-3pm
21st: 530am-830am
23rd: 7am-1pm and 2pm-4pm (will also be going to baseball game around 5 or 6pm)
24th: 7am-1pm and 2pm-4pm
25th: 1pm-4pm

I will either be getting my license on the 25th or the 26th (going to a play at 6, so most likely license applying will be done on the former). Wish me luck!

COL Update 3!

2008-05-25T14:11:00.006-07:00

Final Decision: live at home at $400/mo until graduation, or at the earliest, when I turn 18 in March.

Chances of getting a job this summer: slim to none
- Potential days to work after returning from Cedar City: 25 days consecutively, factoring average hiring time and training.
- Have 1 credit of Chemistry, 2 credits of Government, 2 credits of Advanced Health, 4 credits of Earth Systems, 2 credits of Foods and Nutrition, 2 credits Business Webpage Design, a Biology Q2 packet, and an Elective Packet to complete over the summer, in addition to the AP Literature, AP Biology, MAP 1012, and HUMA 1100 work to do for the 08-09 school year.
- Do not have permission from mother.

Chances of getting a job during school: slim to none
- Schoolwork
- Permission from mother
- Lack of time

Debts already accrued:
- $180 from prom
- $450 for lunch money for 07-08 school year ($900 if including 08-09 school year)
- $400 for living money for Ceder City
- $750 for Paris tours, passes, spending money, etc
- $250 for rides (ie driving somewhere)
- $500 for permit, license, and driving lessons.
- $150 for birthday gifts
------ Total: $2600- $3050

Debt with rent:
- 10-14 months of rent (depending on if I move out precisely when I turn 18, when graduation happens, if I'm storing things here while on my senior trip, etc.): $4000- $5600
- Debts accrued already: $2600-$3050
- Approximate debts to accrue in the future (prom, senior dinner dance, homecoming, senior trip, more rides, cap and gown, graduation crap, Christmas, Birthdays, holidays, emergency money, etc): $5000-$7500
--------- Total: $11,600-$16,150

Perks:
- Don't have to work as hard
- Less money than living on one's own
- Will only take about 2-4 years to pay back
- Senior year will not be a juggling act
- More time to spend with my main squeeze (wow- I actually typed that...)
- Will not have to change mailing address

Unperks:
- Will be living with a crazy person
- Still will be sleeping outside 1-3 times a week
- I won't have my own place, and therefore, not living independently and be doing the things that are the best for me right now.
- Homework situation will not improve
- GPA will still suck
- No money for birthdays, Christmas, etc.
- Will take about 2-4 years to pay back
- Continued loss of funds from accounts "just because"
- I won't have my own place!
- No income whatsoever
- Won't get to ride my bike or walk places when I so wish
- No trust/ tons of paranoia constantly and therefore, no privledges
- More responsibility
- Will not be living independently! Gar!

Teh Story of Indie

2008-05-25T10:07:00.009-07:00

It disturbs me that so many people write off Indie music as "emo" or "weird" or "music with no home". Indie is the attempt to break the mould- it is progressive music at its highest level. Without Indie, we wouldn't have had the musical revolution of the 60's and some of the most celebrated artists.

Indie is the music of the undiscovered, the underground, the revolutionaries. It's not just a "genre," it's a lifestyle. The common joke is that the greatest Indie band will never be discovered because the moment it is discovered, it can no longer be the greatest band of all time. The philosophy is that fame and fortune start taking precedence over the music and therefore, making it just a means to an end. The lifestyle is about rejecting the mainstream and creating your own path, taking risks and discovering new, uncharted territory. And most importantly, it's about remembering your roots and keeping that influence in your music.

The greatest relationship advice I ever received was from my band's old bassist, Adam Kempin. He said the way you find your true love is through music. Naturally, it's always a plus if they like the same kind of music that you do, but it's what they listen for in music that makes the match. Those that listen to just the music are more physical beings- they are impulsive and go with their first impressions. Those that listen for lyrics are the ones that will spend time getting to know you- they want to know your story, your thoughts, your feelings. It's when you find someone that values both, and is willing to withstand a few hours of a despised genre blasting from the car stereo, that you've found your match.

Why do I bring this up? Simple. Indie is that advice put into musical and lyrical form. It's raw, it's unpolished, it's emotionally insecure, it says "look at me- I'm a sad sack of shit with my heart on my sleeve, but guess what- I still have hope, and now, I'm going to sing about it." Indie is the boldest of all musical movements because it is what inspires all other genres. The music that this scene made 5, 6 years ago is what is current now. It doesn't follow the rules. Even more, it's goal is to touch every part of your psyche and make you THINK, make you FEEL. It's a mode to make everything better. Whether or not we recognize it, this is healing music. It feeds the soul and speaks what we have always been afraid to say.

I salute you, Indie Rockers!

My top Indie picks:

Death Cab for Cutie: I have always enjoyed their music, but it has been rather mainstream lately. However, with the release of their new album, they've truly become Indie rockers. They've broken the mold, risked alienating their fans, baulking critics- all to create something new and completely appetizing. This song is also a mockery, a statement if you will, of getting labeled by record industries. Each instrument represents a different phase in music (the bass most prominently representing "pop"), and yet the sound still manages to make it sound like it's the first time the band has played it. Of course, the lyrics are entirely worth the listen. They're raw and tangled- and the way they weave through the music is the trail the heart takes when in a desperate, needed love.

Rogue Wave: They will always remain underground. Their music almost too raw to listen to, too simplistic. But they get away with it. How? Their lyrics make up for it. The strange, almost haunting vocals only add to their mystique.

Frou Frou: Imogen Heap (who has now gone out on her own [see video below for her own distinctive style from "The Chronicles of Narnia- The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe] since breaking up with Frou Frou's other band member) has one of the most distinctive voices in music today.

Coldplay and The Verve: Awesome! That's all I can say...

Beck: Most people can't understand his lyrics, but most people are idiots too.

Persephone's Bees: Russia's Greatest Export

Franz Ferdinand: They probably have some of the greatest musical political commentary of our generation. And they can take a good joke- this song in particular is what would happen if their "friend" (they say it was their friend of "Sexy Michael" fame, but it's really about George W. Bush) was Jesus for a day. And thou knowest how much I enjoy the good rollicking religion/politics satire.

Keane: They just make me happy.

Cost of Living Update!

2008-05-18T09:41:00.005-07:00

I totally forgot to factor in utilities! So here's what I'm guessing:
Water- $75-200/mo (would be more if I had a lawn so thankfully not happening)
Electric-$50-125/mo
Gas- $100-200/mo
Garbage- $20-60/mo
That's all I can think of at the moment. But still that means that I'll have sufficient funds:
Total: $1268-$2645

Now since I've tried to over estimate the cost of everything, I'm guessing that it is still entirely possible to live on one's own, while maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Hell, single mom's do it all the time.

In addition, I have been given the chance to live at home, but pay $400/mo in rent. Of course, I can be evicted at any time should my mom deem me as a bad roommate. But I also just found out that I'll be paying this rent out in Daybreak. That's right- my mom is buying a house out in freakin' West Valley.

So, as I am spoiled and would very much like to finish my senior year with my friends and at a school I've finally comes to terms with being shitty, it's looking more and more like a possibility that I'll end up moving out and renting an apartment. I have found an apartment, and I'm almost guaranteed a job at Jordan Commons right now, but we'll see how this turns out.

Proposed Salary: $9.25/hr @ 55 hrs/wk during the summer= $508.75 OR 40 hrs/wk during the school year= $370/wk which comes out to about $1480-$2035 a month.
Here's the link to the apartment: http://www.mynewplace.com/apartment/alpine-meadows-sandy-ut-5b0409115677
Deposit: $175. Application Fee: $25
Apartment Features : Air Conditioning, Alarm, Cable/Satellite Available, Ceiling Fan, Disability Access, Dishwasher, Disposal, Fireplace, Furnished, High Ceilings, Large Closets, Patio/Balcony,
View, Washer/Dryer.

Apartment: $800/mo
Utilities: -included in the rent- or up to $200
Food: $375/mo
Phone: $75/mo
Transportation: $50/mo
Cable/Internet: -wifi available in the main building until 10pm-
School: $75/mo
Total: $1375-1600 a month

Of course, these figures are variable, and once again, rounded up and including all factors at once. Therefore, I'll most likely not have to worry about gas costs that much, since it is summer and I won't have to turn the heat on, so the extra from that can be filed away in my savings account until it's needed and that way I won't have to worry about it when the time rolls around. As far as transportation goes, UTA has a year long pass for $60-$75 I think, so I could use the money allocated for gas to pay for the pass, and then I'll save at least $40 or so a month. The apartment is only a couple of blocks from the TRAX station and Jordan Commons, so I could take that to school very easily and get around the valley on almost no money at all. Much cheaper than having a car or paying for driving lessons.

In addition, I won't have to worry about school costs for two-three months, so I can just pay that all in bulk when registration comes along, and I can buy used books for my concurrent (if I have to buy books at all)- so therefore, I'll have all the money for that saved up by that point and I won't have to worry about it afterwards. Plus, once I get back in school, the food is cheaper, so if I put in $100 a month, that's breakfast and lunch taken care of. Therefore, dinner is the only thing I have to worry about. If I cut back on food during the summer so I can buy kitchen utensils and just buy really cheap stuff (ie not already made salads, bad cuts of meat, stuff on sale, etc), I'll be only spending about $300 a month on food, at the most. And I'll be shopping at Wal Mart, so that will cut costs considerably.

That said, I'll have about $200-$600 a month leftover from the essentials for my savings (at least put $200/mo away) and miscellaneous things like a futon or chairs! All of which can be had for a discount price from the ever amazing Wal Mart!

Life is good.

Paranoia Confirmed!

2008-05-17T11:31:00.002-07:00

I went to check if my last post posted correctly, and the Death Cab for Cutie song I posted on "Bits + Pieces = Masterpiece" started playing out of nowhere. It was really strange. But being the optimist I am- I'm going to take that as a good sign. You know, or that could mean I'm going to be abducted, locked up in a basement closet for three months feeding off of Fritos and cheese, and be beaten by nuns before I die from some weird disease that has only been seen in the cannibals of Papua New Guinea.

I'm hoping for the first. :-)

Gummy Cats

2008-05-17T11:17:00.003-07:00

First, did you know that you can cut yourself with gum? Yes, that's right- gum. I was blowing a bubble waiting for this page to load, it popped as usual, and as I was pulling the gooeyness back into my mouth for another try.... well, there was an epic battle that followed, but long story short, I have a gum cut on my tongue. I just got owned by a piece of Eclipse. How is that even possible?

Second, cats are amazing creatures. They're all docile and cute and cuddly and furry, but on the inside, they're evil masterminds. They don't really rub up against you because they like you- they're marking you with their scent. The more marks, the more drones they have in their cat army. The more drones, the easier it is to take over the world. It's been in the works for a long time, you see. So next time you see a cat, don't assume it's harmless. They've mastered the back kick, as my face ending up covered in soup last night can attest to. I clearly asked Boo to move so that I could sit down, or at least scoot back a little so that we could share the chair. He did move, but then, out of nowhere, he back-kicked me in the kidneys. Which how I ended up covered in soup. It's a trap.

It's all just a trap. You'll see. You'll all see. And no, I'm not paranoid.

Cost of Living

2008-05-17T07:38:00.003-07:00

Current Salary- $50 an article for Synergy, $5-$15/hr babysitting
Proposed Salary (in addition to the above)-
$300/wk (40/hr/wk @ $7.50/hr) to $575/wk (50/hr/wk @ $11.50/hr) OR $1200/mo to $2300/mo
Hours Mandatory to Graduate: 40 hr/wk in class; 21 hr/wk of homework (3 hours a night give or take); 4 hr/wk club meetings, concerts, out of class activities, etc
Sleep: 42 hrs@ 6 hrs/night to 56 hrs @ 8hrs/night
Hours used up a week (week= 168 hours): 147 hours to 171 hours (possible to do this by altering space/time continuum by drinking over 2 Litres of energy drinks per day).

Apartment: $500-$900/mo
Food: $350-$600/mo
Phone: $40-$120/mo
Cable/Internet: $33-$90/mo
Transportation: $20-$100/mo
School: $50-$100/mo
Misc. (clothes, books, mandatory present giftage): $30-$150/mo
Total: $1023/mo to $2060/mo

Final Analysis: Living on one's own is entirely possible, while still getting good grades in school, eating regularly, and sleeping a healthy amount. So ha.

;-)

2008-05-12T21:04:00.003-07:00

I love you Jeff.

I'm very
proud
lucky
happy
to have you in my life.

Don't you ever forget it.

And no... that wasn't the shift key's fault.
I'll take the blame entirely.
guilty as charged ----->

;-)

Check List

2008-05-05T19:19:00.004-07:00

First, I just found this song that I've been searching for forever. I never knew the name or anything. I just have memories of my mom, my dad, and I dancing around in the living room to this when I was really small, about 3-ish probably. Anyway, thought I'd share. The Four Seasons- Walk Like A Man

Now, I know people hate these, but I love doing them, so deal with it! Who knows- you might learn something new!

[x] I am shorter than 5'4". (I'm 5'2 3/4")
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes. (What girl doesn't?)
[x] I have many scars. (Maybe not many, but a fair amount. *shank*)
[x] I tan easily. (Well... I turn a darker shade of yellow if that counts)
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x]I have/I've had braces.
[] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (Who wouldn't? Just a little lipo I think...)
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercing.
[] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[] I've sworn at my parents.
[] I've run away from home.
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[x] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school
[x] I have a job
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school
[] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[x] I failed more than 1 class last year
[x] I've stolen something from my job.
[x] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[x] I was born with a disease/impairment
[x] I've gotten stitches/staples
[x] I've broken a bone (a toe, both ankles, wrist, both hips, shoulder)
[] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[x] I've had cancer.
[] I have diabetes
[x] I've been in bed with a sickness for over a week.

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[x] I've been to Mexico.
[] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[] I've been to Japan.
[] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[x] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[] I've been skydiving.
[] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[x] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[] I've seen the Northern lights.
[] I've sat on a roof top at night. (I really wish that was possible in Utah- our roof slants way too much)
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[] I'm single.
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[x] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I have been left at the alter/ had an engagement broken
[] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't. I do it all the time.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've run a red light.
[] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I've passed out from drinking.
[] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[] I've smoked weed
[] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[] I've eaten shrooms.
[] I've popped E.
[] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. (They taste like Strawberries!)
[] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] I've seen someone commit suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own multiple designer shoes, costing over $100 a piece. (Does it count if they were on sale?)
[] I own something from Hot Topic.
[] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[] I own something I got on e-bay.
[] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[x] I can sing well. (used to at least...)
[] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person.
[] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[] I twirl my hair.
[] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I love being neat. (not that I am necessairly, I just like the idea)
[x] I love Spam (the canned meat in sushi form, not the email type)
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue. (RED!!!!!!!!)
[] I've worn pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun
[x] I am in love with love.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I can't sleep if there's anything other than a human or a warm blooded animal in my room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.

[x] All of those are answered honestly

Britney Spears

2008-04-28T18:16:00.004-07:00

Who has captivated the minds of our generation more than any other person? Sadly enough, the answer is Britney Spears. The crazy, bald, mother of two- yes, that one. The pop singer trying to get back on the bandwagon. I feel bad for her- she had her whole life ahead of her and she doesn't have anything left. It really bothers me.

This girl was smart, pretty, and talented. Even more, she had the support of millions of fans, cheering her on and willing her to succeed and she grew up in that environment, so she knew all of the ropes beforehand. If she couldn't do it, how does anyone else survive? It's always been a mystery to me how these child stars react to growing up. Those who make it become martyrs of a sort and are forgotten. Those who don't make it will always be posthumously remembered in VH1 specials.

The question I pose is this: will Britney be the new C list star of VH1 or rise out of the ashes to become a pop culture martyr? Either way will provide some entertainment. But if she somehow pulls herself out of this slump she's in, she, whether or not we realize it, will give us hope in the long run. That's my hope, if only so she can properly take care of her kids. And, yes, I'll admit it- I don't want my generation to be defined by an alcoholic, coke sniffing, idiotic, blonde floosie.

The Five Features in Love's Progression

2008-04-20T08:21:00.006-07:00

Does God like Brownies?

2008-04-19T19:09:00.004-07:00

It's Passover! Huzzah! I friggin' love Passover. I usually go over to my friend Eric's house and we party like it's BC and Exodus was the new book on the block!

But not this year. This year, he's in California to celebrate with his father's family the fantastic feats of Moses the awesome. So I'm on my own. For a whole week. A week I'm supposed to be full out celebrating (cause let's face it- the dude parted a sea- that deserves a kegger right there... and he has a kick ass beard, but anyway). But I'm not, because I fail as a Jew. But whatever. One night of 9 (10? 8?) is pretty good considering I only sleep on my couch for Sukkot (or the guest bedroom downstairs if I'm feeling really adventurous).

I'm not the best Jew in the world. Actually, I'm not really even Jewish- well, I am, but thanks only to the blood in my veins. Well, and I went to Hebrew school for three years. That counts for something. But I live in a very Christian household. Therefore, while my mom would LOVE for me to clean like crazy, it's not allowed because it has to do with "Jesus-murderers". Fun stuff. And I'm also not selling my animals- although I did find out that Beneful and Friskies are kosher. Very cool.

Anyway, let me put it on the record that it is very hard to get ready for a Passover Seder on your own. Especially when you don't have any money, kosher plates, or a very bad memory for Yiddish. And technically, you're supposed to celebrate with a family but since Eric was my only Jewy friend, I'm all alone. So, I've substituted.

1. Kosher Plates- Paper plates (they are made from trees, trees came from the earth, earth made by God, therefore, earth blessed by God, who totally trumps Rabbi status)

2. Said Kaddesh over Martinelli's, which is what I got until I was 12 at Passover and pretty much everything else. I'm going to say I'm safe on this one.

3. I only had Matzah crackers, and only one type of Matzah, so it had to substitute Yahchatz, Motzi, Matzah, and Korekh pretty much.

4. Urechratz (washing), Karpas(veggies!), Rachtzah(another washing), Maror (romaine lettuce) and Shulchan Orekh (dinner) went off without a hitch. I had Hebrew National and some creamed corn and rice. Plus the matzah.

5. Barekh (grace after meals), Hallel (psalms), Nirtzah (closing prayer) led to some cheating as I pretty much slept through Hebrew school and can't remember any prayers or psalms or anything really.

6. Maggid, or the telling of the story of the Jews got out of Egypt, was really awkward to say the least. The youngest person at the table is supposed to ask The Four Questions, and then the story is told, the prayer is said, and more wine is added to the drunkeness of the grandpa seated at the head of the table. This year- everything was my job. It's very weird sitting alone, intentionally talking to yourself.

Anyway, that was my Passover or "Pesach" as the Jewy-Jews among us call it (or you know, the proper way of saying it :P). So this leads me to ask the question: do you get God brownie points for at least trying or are you pretty much screwed if you don't do it exactly right? I'm really worried, you see. Torah God was the pubescent version of God- high-strung, irritable, PMS-y, picky, and overall not a very nice guy. After he got a son, he calmed down and started being nice and realizing "nobody likes to NOT be chosen- let's invent missionaries. Maybe THAT will stop the genocide. Silly Jews- you and your braggadocios ways."

Passover is all about Torah God and Moses who, let's face it, was kind of a power-hungry ass there at the end. Can't you just hear the Jewish grandmothers' in the back of the caravan? "What does he think he's doing? I swear this desert heat is makin' poor Moshe mashugana. I told Miriam by the reeds the other day that we were going in circles and she told me to have more faith in her little brother. And I said faith has nothing to do with all this shmutz I'll never get out of my dress. We've been wanderin' in the desert for 37 years- this is total bupkes. Moshe doesn't know what he's doing! My poor Avram, may he rest in peace *spit*, knew this whole thing was total chutzpah. Red Sea plus heavy winds, come on now Ruth, it was just a way to save walking distance. And now look at us! We're lost! I don't know why he won't ask for directions."

Wow- I think I should go now. God's going to read this and come after my IP address. I should probably not be in the vicinity if I don't want to be smited.

Windows, Questions, and Fingernails

2008-04-18T16:22:00.008-07:00

When a door closes, a window opens. At least, I think that's how the saying goes. It would explain the whole window of opportunity thing that keep floating around the hallowed halls of my home (awesome alliteration). Anyway, a very scary, very unwanted, very devastating door has closed, and a brand new shiny window has opened up. That is exactly the window I prayed for and yet, here I am, standing in the room between the door and the window, thinking dangerous thoughts.

The window is good and safe and it's basically the future that I've always planned on in most respects. Have a job, get money, finish high school, at least have an associates degree from college, have my own place, maintain the ability to support myself. My prayers were answered and the window suddenly opened. Well, sort of. There was a toll booth before I hit the window (not including the $20 dished out for gas, enough fluids to kill a horse, magical pink and blue sticks)- the promise to respect my mom more, lie less even if it inevitably means more trouble, complete my homework in its entirety (no excuses), learn in order to teach, actually work at finding and making my affiliations, and the ever popular (*rolls eyes*) joining of the monastic order if things don't work out. Things I've always promised- everybody has their fall backs when they make promises with higher powers. The only problem with mine is that the higher power or powers that be have never fulfilled their end of the deal until now.

But for some stupid reason, I keep looking back at the door. I know, curiosity killed the cat, all that jazz. There's always going to be that little thought nagging the back of my brain that would make me wonder what would happen if I had to go through that door. Abortion would have been the first choice, naturally, or unnaturally as the case would be. It isn't a pleasant thing to contemplate for anyone, much less to go through. That's what annoys me about pro-life people: it's not like pro-choicers have abortion parties. We don't have conversations like:
"Ok, ladies, should I keep this one?"
"Hell no, girl, we're goin' to Vegas next weekend."
"But your baby-daddy has a good hairline! There aren't enough good hairlines in the world!"
"Girl, you are so right! But I am, like, totally in need of some serious Cosmo and bar peanut therapy. Besides, we can always get one of those crazy pro-lifers to take it if it comes out all retarded."
"Ya- that would suck. But the at least the kid would have sexy hair."
"Wait... confused. Are we going to Vegas without the bun? Or are we going to turn the kid from a dinner roll into pita bread when we get there?"

I swear, that's the kind of conversation my neighbour, his high-holiness, the Bishop of NOTHING, thinks I have everyday with my equally blasphemous, yet non-existent girlfriends. I'm sorry. Ugh. Shallow-minded people annoy me very easily.

Anyway, in all honesty, abortion doesn't work for me. Not only are they freakish scary, but I've seen "If These Walls Could Talk," and I will never get the image of Demi Moore and knitting needles out of my head. Or was it a wire hanger? No, wait! She did both! Ah... anywho- it's a bad thing. Just period. So, once that's not an issue, I started thinking about the two other options. Well, there's only one option, I guess. What comes with that though would totally make you a hypocrite as a parent.
"Hey! Do your homework!"
"Hey! You got pregnant and dropped out of school!"
"Hey! Don't make me drop you on your head again!"
"Hey! Child abuse!"
"Hey! That's right! Child who abused my chances for everything because I had a responsibility to take care of them! Good call!"

It would totally suck. I would be a horrible mother. Not only that, but it would hurt so many people in the process, especially the person I love most. I couldn't allow them to take that burden on. The decision to keep it would be mine alone, and therefore my responsibility alone. At least one reputation, one shot at a good life would be salvaged from the whole train wreck. So, honestly, I don't even know why I'm thinking about this, and why I can't get that off my mind. It wouldn't be right to bring something into this world and not be able to properly take care of it, but keep it anyway, just to be selfish.

The whole thing is I never EVER wanted to fall in love. Not even as a little girl. Instead of playing house with my Barbie dolls, they were always some high powered woman off to save a baby from being cooked in an oven or dueling my Ronald McDonald action figure on top of my Dream House over newspaper rights. As I grew older, I always had more guy than girl friends and was usually the most macho person in the group. I never saw myself as just a "girl" but a "person" with genderless boundaries. I had seen what love had done to my mom, made her the wreck she is today. My dad "loved" me, Alex "loved" me, friends say "love ya" all time instead of goodbye and then stab you in the back the next week. I've always had crushes, I've always been like "dating is fun and harmless". The only boy that ever really hurt me was Alex- he was my first real boyfriend and I hadn't anything to toughen me up yet. It was more or less the hurt that comes with the betrayal of a friend, nothing more.

But I always told myself I would never fall in love because I didn't want to be some weak little thing that had to depend on another person for everything, and would be unable to do anything if that person left- go insane, lose everything in a nasty divorce, and then become the crazy cat lady that makes people cross an 8 lane highway before risking an encounter. In fact, Cat Lady status would have been much better than risking love of any kind. All I've ever seen of love is superficial, disgustingly obvious carnal lust and the devastating, hurtful repercussions. And fortunately for me, I THOUGHT I had a good head on my shoulders, with the sense to convince myself that I would be a complete masochist if I ever inflicted such a state on my person or anyone else that came into contact with me in such a state.

But here I am. In love and out of my mind. In love and completely helpless. In love and absolutely, incandescently happy. Well, most of the time. Scares aren't very pleasant, let's just say that. But, overall, I can see now why people yearn and crave for this. When you have that special person, you're complete. You finally know why you are here. Just their left over scent on your shirt makes your head spin with nasty little visions of singing woodland creatures and technicolour. Nothing else matters really, because, in the end, if they love you back, even just a fraction of what you do them, whatever happens you'll face it together and give each other strength. And, somehow, you make it through. If not, it's off to the pound with cashed-out savings in one hand, and a mumu to change into in the other.

William if it was a boy (father should always pick the name, if it's a boy), Faye if it was a girl. December- it would have been a December baby. But early December, so that it wouldn't get the whole "dual Christmas/birthday" curse and get jipped on presents. Brown hair, wavy with a random little alfalfa sprig, and blue eyes, his eyes. Can't forget the perfect hairline. Dimples, naturally. Crazy skin issues, bad acne, loopy genetic diseases, and, of course, flat feet. And dementedly little fingernails. But it'd still be a incredibly smart and sexy little fetus.

Ah, serious "Juno" flashbacks there. HEY! There's the score. There's how you finally climb out the window into the next realm of possibility. You don't ever forget those doors that close behind you so that you'll recognize them the next time they come around. That way, you actually recognize the decision you're making. It's a very good thing. One day, when I stop climbing through opportunist windows like this one, the stars are aligned, there's a world shortage of latex, and the market is an stable uptrend, I'll come again to this set of doors. I may have made a bargain with the higher powers that be, but by then, it will all be about one particular feeling, one particular person. And, as long as I'm with that person, I think I'll open the door without any proceeding ulcers.

If not, if there's no person or latex shortage, I always have my nunnery as a fall back.

The "Juno" flashback, for entertainment purposes. Well and, one, I kept thinking about fingernails all day, and two, the Pennysaver adoption pickiness of Juno totally sounds like something I'd say. In any case, it's still awesome like a rabid, insane, bipolar possum. In two parts! Because people are stupid, and can't upload epic scenes correctly. But at least I am capable of putting them in chronological order. So ha! Comedy always helps the soul.

Blood, Sweat, and Tears

2008-04-17T18:24:00.005-07:00

Life is just one big spinning wheel. Like the song, it will just keep on spinning, whether or not we like it. It's just the rpm that we change. The happy spin is pretty subtle- it's about as disturbing as the moon's normal rotation, even giving us the ability to float around a bit. Then sometimes there's the angry-at-yourself-for-being-so-incredibly-stupid spin which is like spinning around on a tire swing. Of course, there's the one nobody wants to have: the scared shitless spin. It's of the same capacity as riding a Disneyland teacup and spinning it as fast as possible. Multiply them together and you have today.

It's a sad start to life if that start is really an end, not a beginning. You never want things to end up the way they do, but guess what? Shit happens. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Cry, be weak, give up. And sometimes what you thought was the lesser of the two evils turns out to be even harder to cope with.

It's a part of you. I know how you feel, your opinions. I couldn't do it because of that. But at the same time, the other choice has greater long term effects. Let's face it- I'm selfish enough for both of us. So there'd be no more us. There'd just be you- le fin. That is, if I could actually be proactive about anything for once. I'd probably throw a temper tantrum, act against everything and go with the former, just to keep the us, being selfish little me.

Ugh. The fact still stands that it is a part of you. And I am incapable of intentionally hurting you. I don't know. I can't do this. Making the correct decisions aren't my forte. It's your choice.

Bits + Pieces = Masterpiece

2008-04-07T20:21:00.003-07:00

So there’s this guy. Known as JT to my more loyal readers. But I’ve never really elaborated on why I like him, why he’s probably the closest thing to perfection I’ve ever come into contact with. If I have, then I didn’t elaborate near enough. He’s the type of guy you could elaborate on forever. Like the metaphorical infinite onion- layers can always be pulled off. Which means he’s never boring, he’s never the same- he has depth and character, something very rare indeed.

He always seems to be able to make me laugh, even in the most serious situations when I need it the most. It’s wonderful to know that someone has the same type of humour as I do, who gets my jokes, and actually pity laughs at them. Considering I usually make rather uncomfortable jokes on top of that, he’s stuck around even though he’s risking a broken blood vessel from all the blushing he does. It’s a very distinctive blush- highly dignified and, at the same time, it reminds of the old Hallmark cards with the little black and white kids on the front, where the only colour on it is the pink of the little boy’s cheeks as he hands the girl a flower.

He even lets himself be seen with flighty little me, embarrassing enough as it were. He even holds my hand, fingers linked (the cool kid way of holding hands) kind of like he’s saying either “mine, mine, mine” or “I’m not letting you get away from me.” He lets me use him as a foot rest, a head rest, an arm rest, and, when I’m especially tired, a body rest. And, amazingly enough, it’s comfortable! He’s all skin and bones so you wouldn’t think he’d be comfortable, but nooo. His arms fit around me, hugging him makes me feel safe- like nothing could ever hurt me, laying my head on his chest is not only comfy, but the sound of his heartbeat gives my life a purpose. My curves fit into his seamlessly so that when we’re lying on the couch, or on the bed, I want to stay that way forever because it is the most comforting feeling in the world, knowing that he’s with me. He even knows my special spots and has discovered many I didn’t even know about! Most particularly, when he rubs the back of my neck, I almost feel like I could sleep. And, of course, the best part is he’s the perfect height for kissing!

In all honesty, it was the glasses that first attracted me to him. I have this thing for glasses, I guess- my weird, awkward fetish. Haha. I used to watch him like a stalker from across the classroom, typing away on his computer, or, more often than not, playing an online game and muttering to himself loudly. He dipped his head in and out of his work like a swan, his hands flying across the keys- it was beautiful to watch. Every time I walked past his chair, I wanted to wrap my arms around his gracefully arced shoulders and nuzzle my nose in his neck. I knew he’d jump and freak out, but somewhere deep inside me, I wondered if he would do the same to me. It was a strange realization, but I made a promise to myself that someday I would get to know this beautiful stranger, and I wouldn’t date anyone at Jordan High until then.

Alright, I’ll admit it- I was totally crushin’ even back then. I was completely enamoured with him for no reason at all- I just had a feeling, I suppose- and I always trust those gut feelings. I can still distinctly remember the first day I actually talked to him. It wasn’t really “talking” though- more like “frenzied yelling”. I was talking, ha-arguing, with a friend in computers about religion when he stepped in. He threw out convincing argument after argument and I found myself utterly flabbergasted. No one, and I mean no one, had ever beaten me in a debate before. I usually made them break down and cry, stutter non-coherently, or shout out “you’re a whore” before the clock ever got near ten minutes. I was absolutely delighted to have finally found somebody near my intellectual level, but arguing was hardly the best way to get to know someone, especially someone I wanted to make a good impression on. And with my psychic powers of observation, I tried that indirect way to try to get to know him a little better.

I knew the battle was at a stalemate and so I let my mind wander. I will always remember this- he was wearing a red track jacket with a soccer emblem on it, a pale blue shirt, and dark blue jeans. His thick, brown hair looked like it had had a bowl cut a few months back but the ends were just starting to flip out, curling just slightly. And his eyes- oh my god, his eyes! They were flashing with every argument he threw out, bright and lustrous, and sticking out vividly blue because of his shirt. I couldn’t stop staring at them- I felt like my very soul was being examined and inspected, yet I couldn’t turn away. I was literally entranced. The bell rang, and I sat, dazed, watching him strut, not walk, Strut out of the room. For the rest of the weekend, I could not stop thinking about the boy with the beautiful eyes and the mind to match. Nothing has changed since then.

I’m always thinking about him, always trying to re-imagine his touch, his words, his face. I find myself asking, “What would JT do”? The answer usually ends up leading me in the right direction. He’s with me from the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep at night, and even, if I’m lucky, follows me into my dreams and subconscious. I have such a hard time sleeping- stress, school, all compacts itself into those few minutes of the mind’s twilight. But lately, I’ve found a cure that mostly helps with that. I lay down, close my eyes, and scoot kind of to the edge of the bed, leaving enough room for a “body” to scoot in beside me. Then my wistful imagination takes over. Slowly, I try to envisage him with me, his arm wrapped around my waist, holding me tightly against him, his warm wonderful-smelling breath on my neck, his forehead on the back of my head, his legs bending just the slightest bit to meet mine, his feet covering my cold toes. And suddenly, *whoosh*, I’m out like a light. When I wake up, sometimes I can still smell him, feel the ghost of his touch before my brain takes over. If that’s the case, I know it’s going to be a good day.

He’s a first for me. He’s kind, gentle, brave, funny, handsome beyond belief (and pimped out with the full extras package), exceedingly, inconceivably intelligent, and has the self control and will of a freaking woodland elf. He’s the only person that I’ve ever let myself open up to, let see the fragile little freak inside. He’s the only boy I’ve ever cried over, and I’m sure, will ever cry over. It hurts me that I can’t do everything right for him, that I can’t keep him safe from the horrors of the world, that I can’t do more. I wish I could tell him more often how much I love him, show it to him more frequently. That’s my only regret in this- I can never be brave enough, strong enough, smart enough, or good-looking enough to be what he deserves. He deserves a goddess (one of the non-incest lot), someone just as perfect as he is. But, I suppose, when you’re a god, it’s hard to find anyone near an equal.

Whatever it takes- that's my promise to you.

Fourth Quarter Blues

2008-03-30T13:10:00.003-07:00

Alright, so unless I get a chance to blog at school, this is going to be my last post for a while. I've received (well, currently, without the teachers adding anything in) a 2.0 this quarter. Well, "technically" it's a 2.051- so it's a high 2.0. So! Due to this, my computer is being taken away (except for typing papers- which I have to be handwritten and pre-approved before I'm allowed to log on), along with my CD's that possesses words within the music, and really anything else that is non-academic. So, JT, being the wonderful person that he is, is joining me in the fight against apathy! Therefore, have set forth the following:

Goal: Receive a 3.2 in fourth quarter (I told my mom 3.0 in case of sickness, death, or other such nasty things) by working hard, helping each other, practicing half-ass celibacy, limiting computer usage, and sitting next to each other in class in order to study more effectively.

Incentives: Trust and praise from parents, parents will agree that relationship is "mutually advantageous, feelings of awesomeness, blowing Laura's mind, return use of compy, return of CD's, more face-to-face time over the summer, Yay!, and then the person with the lower GPA of the two of us has to provide (and pay for) the perfect day for the person with the higher GPA.

Disincentives: Grounding from everything for two weeks, three weeks FULL celibacy, no face-to-face time over the summer, I can't go to my internship at the Shakespearean Festival or take a trip to Paris, I also lose my bed, my stereo, my compy (for good), and everything else except for school books.

Advantages: Disincentives are horrible to think about, support from each other, I really want some of those incentives, insanity spawning absolute need for communication/compy, overall awesomeness

Disadvantages: Work (JT, you've already got the job in the bag), parental unit issues, rehearsals at all hours, "distractions", insanity stemming from no communication over le net or just in general, evil teaching units, disbelieving friend units (who are already somewhat miffed for no particular reason), make up credit packets/classes and the like, and, most dubious, having to break apathetic habits that one's been carefully building up for the past three years.

Ouch. My brain hurts just thinking about it. Better go get started. :-( Au reviour for now!

Daydreams

2008-03-27T17:15:00.012-07:00

I know I'm going to get a lot of crap for calling this post "Daydreams." But that's what they are! Daydreams! Just dreams- things that will never happen. Yay for our fantasies that keep us trudging on.

Travel related
1. Drive an Aston Martin V12 Vengeance or a Ferrari 550 Maranello on the Autobahn.
2. Ride a Triumph Sprint ST or BMW HP2 Enduro motorbike on the Autobahn.
3. Sit in a streetside cafe in Paris (crepes are a must) and people watch all day.
4. Go museum-hopping in Prague.
5. See a play by the RSC at the newly restored Globe Theatre
6. Go to Carnivale in Venice.
7. Go to Carnivale in Rio de Janiero.
8. Play a polo match in Argentina.
9. Celebrate the summer solstice in Anchorage.
10. Sleep in a castle somewhere in the Black Forest.
11. Visit Santorini and eat lunch on a donkey.
12. Gather a vial of ash from Pompeii.
13. Tour Croatia!!!
14. Surf in Guam.
15. Stroll around the largest porch in the world.
16. Horseback ride in Hungary.
17. Visit the Holocaust museum in Poland.
18. Stargaze in Acropolis.

Sport related
19. Climb to the top of a mountain, preferably over 15,000 feet, in one day.
20. Kick a goal in a soccer game without falling over or being tackled in the process.
21. Throw the opening pitch for an Oakland Athletics' vs. New York Mets game.
22. Make a game-deciding tackle in rugby.
23. Play a full on game of cricket.
24. Throw a straight softball pitch.
25. Break a series of boards via Taekwondo, in a reasonable amount of time (ie- people do not have to order pizza)
26. Shoot five consecutive bull-eyes with a bow and arrow.

Career related
27. Have my checkbook balance itself.
28. Get a starting pay of at least $50,000.
29. Finish a novel (and actually make something of it).
30. Play Candida in "Candida" by George Bernard Shaw
31. Have "yes" men at my disposal, so that I can make the big bucks and not have to do anything.
32. Make a living out of bullshit (aka being a lobbyist, politician, or advice columnist)

Hobby related
33. Go to the Sundance film festival
34. Build a stage with a trap door in my basement for no reason at all.
35. Build a robot that does not have Turrets syndrome and make me breakfast and clean my room.
36. Improve fencing and "weaving" skills to Jedi awesomeness status.
37. Learn HTML/Web Page Design and C++
38. Have my "Junior Year" documentary produced by Fox Searchlight

Friends and Family related
39. Find a way to keep my mom balanced all day.
40. Pay for a cruise for everyone.
41. Attend a family reunion.
42. Get paid by MTV/VH1 to host a reality show involving putting one family member from each of the different "sects" (the white supremacists, the Greeks, the hippies, the Prozac addicts, etc.) to live in a house Real World/Big Brother style and see who is alive by the end of 12 episodes.
43. Start a book club with friends.

Total Randomness
44. Do a back flip- with or without the aid of a trampoline, I'm not picky.
45. Own the greatest hat collection ever seen!
46. Have the ability to cut my hair short and not have mound product in it to stop it from fro-ing, therefore letting it be cute all on its own.
47. Learn how to joust
48. Develop a photographic memory (get it? develop? photograph? haha?)
49. Carry out ninja fantasy in a mall full of evil cheerleaders.
50. Have a bowl of blissfully buttery popcorn.
51. For the length of one mission, be the world's top secret agent.
52. Start a food fight of epic proportions.

Personal Stuff
53. Sleep next to the person I love most in the world (For the whole night! And actually sleep!)
54. Mate like a wolf (Not like that, sicko! Wolves mate for life... duh. Get yo' mind out of the gutter.) with the person in number 53.
55. Be normal sick, not the "I am the spawn of Satan" version that comes standard with all this nasty stuff I get to have.
56. Kick ass at math
57. Have a "lazy day" (meaning staying inside all day, doing whatever- sleeping in, staying in bed all day, watching the sci-fi channel, eating spaghetti and meatballs for breakfast and breakfast for dinner) with the person from number 53.
58. Be kissed in the rain (I like rain, I like kissing- this is inevitable).
59. Turn off my "ESP powers" at will.
60. To die among books (ie- in a library), in front of a comfy fire, "hanging" with the person from number 53, and just fall asleep, completely and utterly content with life, all while wearing an awesome hat/slippers. Hands down- best way to go.
61. (Alright, fine- the romantic in me insists that this be included, however regretfully and painfully I add this to the list.) Get married to the person in number 53, and have as many kids as they want. Stinky diapers, arguments over money, crazy "Knocked Up" reality, the whole she-bang. Whatever. That's my list.

The Birthday List- Numero 17

2008-03-27T07:47:00.002-07:00

JT- the most amazing necklace ever! And his dog peed on me before dinner- that was fun. :-P Go Lil.

Geoff- Flowers (Diasies on special)

Uncle Gary- Flowers (with rocks!)

Bill- Phone Call (Happy Birthday, Elvis style)

Renata- brown skirt, antique panel

Wongs- "Serenity," mani/pedi, "Knocked Up," black skirt, jeans, FOOD!!!

Kari- jean skirt, Audrey Hepburn dress, platform sandals, sweater, "little black dress"

Hazel- $50

Charlie- "Princess" plate

Mom- Jacket, purple/black dress (le pee-dress)

Facebook B-day wishes: Alice Cryer, Lon Halterman, Chrisella Sagers, Adam Turley, Spencer Casperson, Todd Tanner, Spencer Simons, Nada Al-Asfar, Mercer Morrison, Melanie Young, Erik McComb, Eric Abbenatte, Ben Drabik, Alaa Mustafar, Sebastian Stein, Austin Wendler, Davey Morrison, Jenna Gray, Francesca Fedeli, Sarab Serabian, Robin Dillard

Thanks to everyone for making my 17th b-day absolutely amazing! This definately beats getting a bag of Ramen and socks.

Consequences

2008-03-19T02:36:00.002-07:00

I wish I could just stop breathing. I wish that I could somehow change everything, that somehow, we'd be allowed to be together. I wish I had the bravery to say, "Screw it all, mom. I don't give a fuck what you think."

I love him.

I've been up all night either crying or throwing up or, more commonly, both. Just knowing that I, more likely than not, hurt him is killing me.

This is for the best, right? Everyone will be happier this way. We have to be. This is the right thing to do. It's just got to be. There's no other way I'd willingly give him up.

The one fucking time I try to be practical I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I feel like absolute shit for doing what I did to him.

I wanted to be together with him for all the time I have. I wanted to be there for him, the one he could always talk to. I wanted to hold him whenever he needed to be held, and I've never wanted to stop kissing him. I never wanted to lose him. I would give up everything for him.

I most likely have just broken any trust he has ever had for me. And that, once lost, can never be regained. I know he'll never be able to forgive me.

I should have given him a choice, at least. I should have said, "Hey, do you want to be unhappy and deal with my insane mother, but we'd be together- or would you like to be happy and joyous and not have me in your life?"

This is not a question of whether or not I love him. I've already vowed not to date again while I'm in high school, or more likely than not, college. Maybe never again. He's the only reason I'm still here, at school or even alive.

I'd do anything for him. I'd follow him anywhere, support him anything he wanted to do- however foolhardy. Hell, I'd give him a kidney or a lung or an arm if he asked me to. No exceptions- I'd be whatever he wanted me to be, do whatever he wanted me to do.

God! I can't stand this! I'll be staking out the front doors this morning, I think. If there's any inkling of hope left, I'll know today. God, I'm so stupid! He told me not to do anything stupid and look what I did!

I've ruined everything. If he chooses to stay with me, then there's nothing that would keep me from him. I'd agree to everything he says, I'd let him do anything he wanted, I'd always be there for him to the best of my abilities. If not, it's my own fucking fault and I deserve nothing less than the greatest suffering this shallow heart can manage.

I took the coward's way out. I deserve for him to hate me.

Cleaning Day

2008-03-18T18:45:00.002-07:00

We had a bad day today. Checkbooks became credit cards, credit cards became hairbrushes, hairbrushes became frogs. It's on these days I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what made her be so completely gone from reality or how I can bring her back. I love my mother dearly, and even though I know that on days like these it's not her, it's hard to let what she says go. She can be absolutely, devastatingly cruel.

She says everything so venomously, so harshly- every word seems to drip with poison. We're completely different people and she's always disapproved of my friends. She's always wanted me to be a social climber like her. I was reminded why I hardly ever bring friends home. Every one of them was called into a moral tribunal. She calls into question my friends' race, intelligence, sexual preferences, "intentions," and godliness. It makes me ill when she does this.

And, somehow, this chain of events links around to cleaning day. I try to blame the fumes for what's happening. This small, feeble lie to myself usually works. I want to believe it- but that's how lies go. When you need them most, they fail you. As she was screaming and ranting as usual, going through the normal motions of kicking me out, I asked her if she would be happier if I found someplace else to sleep tonight. She looked at me like I was crazy. "If you leave this house," she said, "you'll never be able to come back." Which is why I'm still here. There's a large difference between being kicked out and being denied coming home.

I found out something tonight that makes me rethink a lot of things. My mom had a stillborn son with another man, who ended up leaving her because of it, not the usual "he cheated on me" schpeal she has always given me. It's a well known fact that I was a mistake, but it was my father who wanted to keep me, not my mother as I always thought. My father- the man I loathe with my entirety for the things he did to me- is responsible for letting me have a family at least for a little while. My mother, on the other hand, told me that he ended up having to dumpster dive for me at one point because she "didn't want a piece of shit daughter like me."

Now, I have no idea what is truth and what is fiction anymore. Everything that I've based my philosophies on (mom = good, dad =bad, truth is always better than lies) has been shaken. I don't know what to think. I think I would have rather preferred to not know some things I found out tonight. I would have preferred living in a lie at this point.

The one thing I do know, the one thing I have going for me right now is loyalty to my friends. You guys mean the world to me which is the driving force behind these decisions I've made.

First and foremost, until I'm 18, I have to live with my mom. She can't survive on her own. And, honestly, even though they pay absolutely no attention to me even though I'm the one responsible for everything of theirs, my animals need me more than her.

Secondly, my friends are my life. I live vicariously through you. Stories of your families and your lives keep me hoping for that same sort of dysfunction in my life. Which is why I've decided I need to sever my ties with you now. My dysfunction and my stress is creeping over into your lives- don't deny it- and it's corrupting you. Until I'm out of the house, I plan to keep myself isolated so as to keep you out of the path of wrath.

Thirdly, I want you to please respect these decisions. It's the best thing I can do for you. Hell, it's the only thing left I can do for you. So please accept it. I'll talk to you in the halls, I'll be cordial at parties, but -here comes the hero mentality- I want you to be happy and to have great successful lives, and I'm afraid that if I'm apart of them right now, that I'll hinder your chances of that.

There's to be no "last supper," no "final call." Just silence- a clean break. No more breakfasts, or secret hiding places- bus, direct to class, home, chores, work, sleep from here on in. I don't want any of you to have to be involved with someone who has as unstable of a life as mine. This will go into effect on my birthday; my name literally translates to "new beginnings." It's time to make some.

JT- there are so many things I want to say to you, to share with you. I want nothing more just to be with you. You should know this by now. :-) But the fact of the matter is, my mother had some choice words for you in particular that I'd rather not repeat or even think about. But I will remember them everytime I see you, and I can't stand to think of you that way. Therefore, this "announcement" goes for you too. I know you hate stress, I know you hate true confrontation. And, I know this can't mean much to you now, but I love you more than life. Above all, I'm a practical romantic, thinking "what are we going to do next" in a present, not a future context. When we were together today, when I kept bugging you by staring off into the distance, I thought, for the first time, in the future context. It all came on too fast, too sudden. For the first time in my life, I wanted that stupid house in the suburbs with that damned white picket fence, with the lawn covered in toys hazardous to adult health and dog crap. It felt great for a moment, and then now, "Hey- would I really love someone if I subjected them to Mommy Dearest?" No. Absolutely not. I can't ask anything of you except that you be happy.

I'm no writer and so, I know that the preceding has done a very bad job in conveying my feelings. So, I'm stealing- but there's no better way to put it. Similar situations, exact feelings.

Cressida, Troilus and Cressida

Time, force, death-
Do to this body what extremes you can;
But the strong base and building of my love
Is as the very centre of the earth,
Drawing all things to it. I'll go in and weep-
Tear my bright hair and scratch my praised cheeks,
Crack my clear voice with sobs, break my heart,
With sounding "Trivlis."
Be moderate? Be moderate?
Why tell you me of moderation?
The grief is fine, full, perfect that I taste,
And violententh in a sense as strong
As that which causeth it. How can I moderate it?
If I could temporize with my affection,
Or brew it to a weak and colder palate,
The like allayment could I give my grief.
My love admits no qualifying dross;
Nor more my grief, in such a precious loss.

Raptors and Llamas

2008-03-17T16:38:00.002-07:00

1. I'm happy whenever you're on my mind, which is almost constantly. Somehow that little stream wandering through my mind finds its way back to you every time.

2. When I lie in bed at night, I'm lonely because I know that I can't roll over and feel the heat of your body against mine, lay my head on your chest, or thread my fingers through yours.

3. I feel guilty whenever I say something or do something I know you wouldn't like or approve of.

4. When I've disappointed you, I feel sad for days afterwards.

5. People seem scandalized when they see us together, but I can't help but feel lucky that you came down and swept me off my feet.

6. I feel safe when you hold me, like nothing could ever hurt me.

7. I'm angry when someone crosses you or causes you pain.

8. You make my head pop off everytime you kiss me, which is why I keep kissing you. It's very nice to be above suffering once in a while.

9. I love learning from you- that's why I'm always constantly asking "why?" to the point of annoyance. No matter what you say, you are a great teacher- the best I've ever had.

10. I'll always worry about making the wrong move, and I'll always lose sleep over whether I could have done something better, or more to your liking.

11. I always want to be near you because you make me feel wanted, a most magnificent feeling, and that, in turn, is the reason behind my smile.

12. There are reasons as to why I don't tell you things. I want you to be safe from pain, spared the stresses in life, have the freedom to truly be yourself, to live for the choices and opportunities your talents and incredible mind open up for you everyday. I don't want to hold you back- ever. Knowing that you trust me enough to open up to me, to show your true colours is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

Which of the X-Men Are You?

2008-03-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after death).

Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally!

Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

What Kind of Soul are You?

2008-03-16T13:02:00.001-07:00

You are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappointment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.

You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Whitman's and Gerry Bond

2008-03-16T11:36:00.005-07:00

I have just finished the lovely Whitman's Sampler that I received from JT for Valentine's Day. Therefore, as of Monday, I can officially begin my new (this time I'm sticking to it!) workout regime. I say Monday because there is no way I'm giving up sweet cakes and banana sandwhiches today at tea. Mmmm..... real British tea. Nothing better.

I know I can totally do this! Now that my other lover Whitman is out of the way especially. Except I won't go anorexic again- no way. That was a very stupid idea. 5'2" and 84 pounds may be attractive, but hardly practical unless one has to wear a corset on a daily basis- which I don't now. And more or less, it would be benefical if I wasn't fainting all over the place- I like my brain cells. In addition, my metabolism sucks since I had my surgeries. So, I won't be able to drop 7 pounds a week like I used to. Sooooooo- even over that, I can still get in shape. I've been watching the "Biggest Loser" and if those people can- I certianly can too. That is an amazing show, by the way. *weep*

Here enters: Gerry Bond. My mom, in her ever accepting 'tude, gave me a rather large collection of workout DVD's to lose weight. The most amusing of these is Mr. Gerry Bond, Tai Chi extrodinaire. The tape must have been made in the late seventies, because it consists of Tai Chi music with wah-wah pedals and heavy bass. Mr. Bond enters decked out in stretch pants and a brightly coloured wife beater, the heavy porn-star mustache, and Chuck Norris hair (dyed carrot red like Norris's even, although he didn't bother to match his dark brown 'stache). He's massive and looks like he could eat you. For a moment, you are scared that "wow- this will be tai chi murder". Until he opens his mouth- imagine Richard Simmons a few octaves higher. And although this workout is meant to be quiet, enlightening, and calming, you can't stop laughing at Bond.

I couldn't make it all the way through the tape. I thought my pancreas was going to explode from all the laughing. After looking through the other tapes, which includes dance workouts by UK's female gladiators, Yoga by a Martha Stewart wannabe, and Aerobics by some guy with a really bad fake tan, I gave up on finding something I'd be able to make it through without laughing my head off.

It snowed again last night, so running and biking are out of the question for the moment. So much for being ready for a triatholon. Haha. Any suggestions would be really appreciated. Let's say goal weight will be.... 120, 115- ish by summer. We're going to Paris and French women don't eat. I have to fit in somehow, if the natives can possibly ignore my horrid accent. Plus, it will be summer by this point- I would like to go to the pool once in a while without my mom screaming in horror. And, well, there are other things that would require "in shape-ness" that I'm planning on doing this summer- like stage combat and softball and hiking and other things.

Ugh- I have to go get ready for tea. I'm going to look like freakin' Jackie O. Maybe I should take my firing range glasses just to mix things up. I love having tea, but I can't stand the dress requirements at the Grand America. Sunday is my jammie day.

Let's See the World

2008-03-15T11:18:00.003-07:00

I slept last night. Amazing, I know. I'm rested and my dreams were my own; not only that, but they were blissful. It was marvelous. I got up this morning precisely at 7:30, and wrote this. I thought I'd share it with you because, well, happiness deserved to be shared, since every little bit we spread makes the world a better place. Pay it forward! Haha.

Let's see the world.
Climb the peaks to ancient cities,
Stony steps of mountain-side temples
Where waterfalls disappear into the abyss
Hidden deep in the fog,
Tranquil and peaceful.

Let's see the world.
Eat spicy empanadas,
And disgusting green spaghetti,
Or sweet baklava
On their home turf.
Authenticity at it's best.

Let's see the world.
Walk across walls,
Jump into whirlpools,
Fly over canyons,
Scale monoliths that make you quake,
Just to have a picnic with a view.

Let's see the world.
Enjoy the London Underground scene,
Relax to steel drums on the beach,
Listen to nightingales and larks,
Even better to make our own music-
the sound of footsteps and laughter.

Let's see the world.
Hand in hand,
I want to share this with you.
The wonders, the horrors-
This world is our for the taking.
Perfect for explorers like you and me.

Do you believe in enchanted places?
I do.
Magic is everywhere-
No more is it only for dreams.
I just don't have to look any farther
Than you.

Ah ha! Apparently tomorrow we are going to be having high tea with my mom's high school sweetheart, who supposedly now the Portuguese Consulate. I guess connections are good things when you need to get some visas. Time to see the world, I suppose. ;-)

Theme Song Numero Uno

2008-03-14T15:51:00.007-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of Indie Rock lately. The sensitive lyrics, catchy tunes, and new styles are very attractive to me. A lot of my old friends will be thinking "What, our LV? Indie Rock? Not possible- she's a total metal head. Or at the least into hardcore rock-and-roll." Of course, the oldest of you will be scratching your heads even more, thinking something to the tune of, "What happened to Elvis?" I shall surprise you all by adding that I actually listened to Top 40 this weekend. Scandalous, I know. But I'm broadening my horizons, as my recent bravery (let's not speak of the awkwardness afterwards) will atest to.

Back on topic, this is Headlock by Imogen Heap. Vocals = amazing. Lyrics = amazing. So listen, enjoy, and read the lyrics if you like. But more than anything, let the music speak for itself. And try really hard to guess why this is my theme song for the moment.

Distant flickerings,
It's greener scenery,
This weather's bringing it all back again.
Great adventures,
Faces in condensation,
I'm going outside to take it all in.

You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

We're a different pair,
Just something out of step,
Throw a stranger an unexpected smile.
With big intention,
Still posted at your station,
Always on about the day it should have flied.

You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.
(how can you lose?) Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

You've been walking,
You've been hiding,
And you look half dead half the time.
Monitoring you, like machines do,
You've still got it I'm just keeping an eye. x2

You know you're better than this

Can't make a start,
got your heart in a headlock,
but I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

(how can you lose?) Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start, with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

Water Theory

2008-03-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

"For what it's worth" is completely unnecessary. Think about it. It really means "now that I've destroyed your life, please don't cry and make me feel bad about myself." The whole world is based on this principle- Romans adopted their conquered's (is that even a word?) customs, extremists still watch "American Idol". Your English paper may look like a pen exploded on it but the corner of the page reads, "For what it's worth, your margins were correct." It's the cup may not be half full, but at least you have some water theory at work.

However, "on the other hand," is the heartless bitch of random sayings. "On the other hand," can mean two things:
1. You still suck.
2. It's fun to make you cry.
For instance, "You are not an artist. On the other hand, neither is my three-year-old son with no extremities or mouth." This is the Hitler view- I'm better than you no matter what, so might as well kill yourself now and save me the trouble. It's the playground bully just stole your water cup and poured what little you had left into the sand of the desert where you are stranded with him theory. Childhood nightmares for the win.

Therefore, I'm drinking water right now, and I'm not taking the cup away from my lips until I've tasted every perfect drop of it. For what it's worth, you also have a cup of water. However, on the other hand, I doubt your water likes you as much as mine likes me and it will probably give you gonorrhea or herpes because you were slutty and didn't get it tested first. Oh snap.

The Best Things In Life

2008-03-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

1. Hugs- anytime, everytime.

2. A good book on a rainy day.

3. A walk in said rain after reading said book.

4. A role model- I call John Adams.

5. A best friend to share to intricacies of your life with.

6. An amazing wi-fi connection.

7. Someone to be with you, no agenda, everytime you need them, whether it be talking on the phone until 2 in the morning, or letting you hide in their chest until your smile is firmly back in place.

The Wedding List

2008-03-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

So JT and I were talking about weddings yesterday for no reason. No- I lied. There was a joke made by one of his friends that he was going to have a Guild Wars themed wedding, with his brothers and best man dressed up as orcs. This intrigued me, and although I was only a level 7 mage when I quite playing, I found the idea completely awesome. So I asked him if indeed he would have the Guild Wars wedding, to which he replied, "No. Hell no. Noooo. It's my wife's day- she gets to plan it." Which is something I've never heard a guy say, and probably never will again. See why I'm JT's number one fan?

However, those of you that I've had this conversation with before know that I'm pretty anti-weddings, well, anti-marriage in general. Therefore, I was surprised when JT said his reasoning behind letting his wife plan it is because girls fantasize about that day since they're small children. Once again, I realized I was in the dark as to how my sex is supposed to think.

And this got me thinking very late last night- which is a very dangerous thing to do. What if I do end up getting married? Alright, this may also have come about because JT had some very persuasive arguments to counter my pessimistic view of matrimony.
JT's POV: He just had to bring up the "wouldn't you rather have a few passionate years of complete happiness" which pretty much kills all of my arguments. Oh and the "free will can always overcome statistics" thing. Bleh.
LV's POV: Marriage is flawed- higher taxes, how do you know if you'll always be in love?, how do you know you'll always be happy or at least content with each other?, I have a higher chance of getting divorced because I come from a broken home, I don't want to end up hating someone that changed my life for the better at least for a chunk of time, my theoretical children will be scarred for life in the case of a divorce, the emotional heartbreak that comes with the possibility (and all likelihood) of being cheated on, getting married too early so that one stifles the other person, ending up blaming the other person for all the things you never got to do, loss of freedom, possibility of abuse, and, of course the ever popular, I hate you but society dictates that we be together issue.

Anyway, besides that, my plan is to live until I'm in the 28-32 (38 at the latest). I don't want to have to leave that person behind to deal with all of my shortcomings alone, not to mention the financial burden of a burial. Especially if we had kids, which again is highly implausible- nobody should intentionally want my genes, I wouldn't want them to have to grow up without a mother. Even more, the guy would have to be the greatest father around, someone I know would always be there for my kids even if he didn't want me, for me to even consider children. This theoretical man of mine may be the love of my life but marriage would make things so much more complicated.

WOW- way off topic there. Anyway- in bed, thinking, dangerous, ok... back on track. The dangerous part of this is: I fantasized. Not a fantasy, but bits and pieces. So, I might be a mutant within my own sex for not really planning out every little detail of my wedding, but last night put things in perspective. I've always believed that planning a wedding should be a metaphor for the rest of a couple's married life- it should be done together first and foremost. There should not be one person in charge of the other. They should try to accomplish things as smoothly as possible, but absolutely with compromise- compromise is a learning and a teaching tool, possibly the most important tool in a couple's toolbox. And, of course, I would want us to pay for our own wedding and honeymoon- our parents have already raised us and most likely paid for our education in part. They don't need to dish out more money than they already have.

There are a few things I want out of my theoretical but unlikely wedding, I've decided. These will sound weird to some of you, but it's hard enough finding ten things to put down to make this qualify as a list. Haha.

1. Trees- shade is always a good thing, and trees are the ultimate sign of patience, another important tool, and growing above obstacles. I'd love to have my TBU wedding in some sort of grotto because, I like water and moss and mountains/hills too, but that's not necessary. Trees = necessity
2. A lightsaber knife to cut the cake- Star Wars has to be in there somewhere.
3. No shorts- this is a black tie event. Wear pants, shoes, and a shirt and tie please (tie can come off after the ceremony and pictures, because then I don't really care).
4. A really good first dance- not rehearsed necessarily, but there needs to be a moment that's just "us" with a song who's lyrics can do the talking for us. And I like dancing.
5. Great music- weddings are celebrations, and you can't have a celebration with dancing, but to dance you need amazing music.
6. Sushi- because it is da shiz.
7. Open Bar- you can't have a wedding without relative making fools out of themselves; it keeps the party alive. And you'll get more presents, because it is inevitable that more people will come if they know there is free booze (or Apple Beer or Root Beer).
8. Small population- My dentist does not need to come to my TBU wedding, and neither does the aunt I never talk to. 50 people max.
9. A cape with a hood- Instead of a veil and a train on my TBU wedding dress, you get it all in one package. It won't be as expensive as the fabric and time it takes to make a veil and a train. Yet, it'll serve the purpose as the veil usually would, and once it's off, I won't have a train to get in the way of, or be ripped by, my jubilant dancing.
10. Let me pick my dress- the one rule all TBU husbands should abide by. Not only does this save you the headache of having to go dress shopping (something I'm certainly not looking forward to in the TBU planning), but you get to be surprised and follow the tradition of not seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding. Plus, girls, I'm paying for my own dress. Oh my. Scandalous.
11. Have my TBU husband show up on time and be waiting for me at the alter- that's the most important part of the whole shindig. Even if there was no TBU wedding, the fact is that's what having a relationship is- being there for the other person when they need you the most. Being left at the alter is comparable to losing your best friend and the love of your life in the same instant. If they can't even be there for potentially the happiest and highest point of your relationship, when could you ever count on them to be there for you when you need them the most- like on your deathbed, for example.

Alright, there you go. That's my list. The end. Happy now? No? Ok... Another reason for you- I do not want to become this woman: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=11

The Nerd Crash Course in Pickup Lines

2008-03-10T10:45:00.001-07:00

Science and Math Majors
-My name is Bond, Covalent Bond
-If I were an enzyme, I would be a DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
-I select you- naturally.
-I need someone to practice Anatomy with- Want to be my lab partner?
-Allosteric Inhibitors do it from behind
-You are the H20 to my Potassium heart
-I wish I were your derivative, so I could lie tangent to your curves!

Geography and History Majors
-I'd like to map your geography.
-I need to find the proportions of you to my bed.
-I'd like to study your World History.
-You must be from Tennessee, cause you're the only ten I see.
-You must be from Jamaica, cause you're ja-makin' me crazy

Computer Science and Engineering Majors
-You are a girl/boy and have acknowledged my facial stubbery/polished nails- let's go on a date.
-You beat the anime pr0n I illegally downloaded.
-We should totally Skype it.

"I'm here to find a supportive Gaming community" Major
-You could be the one to teach me to type with both hands.
-I'd like to download your application.
-My USB port yearns for your jump drive. (or vice-versa- talk to the Biology majors if you need help)

"I sniff your socks late at night, but I'm not a stalker" Majors
-More like "Anor-sexy-a"
-I love you, but I hate you, which brings to mind how much I love you.

To be continued- I'm always on the look for new pickup lines and would love any suggestions you have.

25 Ways to Piss Off Your Bell Choir Director

2008-03-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

1. Be off half-a-count.
2. Do not recover from that half-a-count for another half-a-count.
3. Be two measures behind or ahead in the middle of a performance.
4. Throw a bell.
5. Hit the handle of the bell with your mallet instead of the bell itself.
6. Laugh in the middle of a performance.
7. Forget your gloves.
8. Eat chocolate before practice and not bring him any.
9. Hustle other bell players for chocolate during a run through.
10. Scream as you are tickle-attacked by two other sadistic bell players during a practice.
11. Say "I'd rather be in Band" really loudly.
12. Correct them on their time-keeping skills (ie "We were going 160, not 120, because we were following you).
13. Don't follow the director and their amazing time keeping baton.
14. Choke when they comment on how great their hairline is.
15. Repeat a very good joke from a stand-up act about closet gays while in their vicinity.
16. Drink lots of Kool-Aid before going to class, and when they ask you to wash off your face so that the sugar doesn't oxidize the bells, sigh and say "Damn it- my herpes is acting up again."
17. When noticing the pimple on their upper lip, say "Great! I'm not the only one! How long do your outbreaks usually last?"
18. Sit on the floor and ring while laying down.
19. Get jiggy with it.
20. Shout jokes from a Laffy Taffy wrapper across the room.
21. Miss a morning practice. (My bus was late)
22. Lie about why you missed said morning practice. (No, seriously, it really was)
23. Get caught in said lie by being sniffed by fellow bell ringer. (*sniff* No- you were with a boy!)
24. Complain and swear about being sniffed by said ringer. (What the hell? That was creepy! She just sniffed me!)
25. When director is making someone cry for not continuing to play after getting lost, don't say, "Ya, well, at least she knows when to pull out of a crappy situation."

The Robber Bridegroom

2008-03-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

I saw a show about a month ago that I just can't get out of my head. It wasn't even that good of a show really (definately in need of a rewrite)- it was just different. Like some of the best shows I've seen, this was put on by college students. The staging, the acting, the singing- everything was fresh. And that was.... well, refreshing.

I'm sitting here now, half way waiting for a friend to log in so I can talk to someone, half way working on my homework, and one of these songs comes to mind. The image of a girl in grotesquely fake blond hair wandering around a stage followed by a bumbling kidnapper is keeping me entertained rather more than it should.

And I find myself singing along- "another durn day of nothin' up..." It's not a particularly good song, or catchy song, but it makes me wonder- how am I ever going to survive daylight savings time?

Musical Ambience

2008-03-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

"I could have danced all night! I could have danced all night-- and still have begged for more."

Musicals are swimming through my head. I'm happy happy happy! Isn't it strange how much one day can change one's perspective?

"I could have spread my wings-- and done a thousand things-- I've never done before."

I had an amazing night. A great night! A splendiforous night! My life has done a whole switch around. We didn't actually dance- we hugged and laughed and everything else... haha.

It's great to have a happy soundtrack to follow me around now. It's even better to have someone to listen to it with!

Morbid Verbage

2008-03-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've returned home from the Sandy Mall (forty-five minutes later than expected... thank you scenic route). All is well for the most part. I've re-read the post. And I realize now why one does not rant on a blog while in a fragile state. However, I have no intention of removing it. There will be another time somewhere down the road where I need to be reminded of what the bottom looks like. And, I'll have to remember what that did to the people who read it.

I did stand for a minute, looking off the edge of the mall, wondering what it would be like. But there were these two little voices that kept me from doing anything. One, in my head, said "If you were serious about this, you would have done it by now. It's good to be failure right now." So I stepped down and sat and thought. That's when I heard my phone ringing from where I had accidently dropped my backpack off the edge. I climbed down. I saw the id, and I started walking before I called them back. The moment I heard their voice, I knew what my decision was.

I am sincerely sorry to have made you worry. Suicide is a horribly selfish act that I know, for certain now, I could never commit. The contemplation of such is horrific enough, while, I think, healing in its own right. Especially when you know there's going to be someone there to talk you down.

Finito

2008-03-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

For now, the drama is over. We took my godmother and uncle to the airport last night, who returned to California relatively unscathed by the whole affair. My father, who showed up last night after hearing from his lawyer, seems relatively content now to leave our relationship partially buried and to begrudgingly pay child support.

Last I heard, Alexander is sitting quietly in his hotel room with 3 agents from the CIA, awaiting direct removal to the UK. His dual citizenship has been revoked, as had mine (I'm officially ONLY an American now), and he will be greeted by a tribunal to charge him with counts of manslaughter, rape, assault, battery, and other such lovely things. My friends, who have done so much for me, are celebrating our victory over evil in Return of the Jedi fashion across the Atlantic- I could barely hear Natalie over the sounds of merrymaking, fireworks, and Roger's drunken jubilation.

Most disturbingly, my mother does not remember this weekend in it's entirety. Bits and pieces, but she can't remember my godmother and uncle being here, or my father ranting and raving, or even our dinner with the idiotic lawyer. However, somehow, she remembers our agreement for me to live here, and the conditions behind that. How this is possible without knowing the reasons behind it is impossible for me to comprehend. But that is the way of things now, I suppose. Absolute acceptance. Which is how I've come to be where I am now.

In the course of this, I've come to a few decisions. When anything like this happens, you are forced to grow as a person- to, in other words, grow up. I've come to realize that my problems are becoming too much a part of others' lives. The whole BA began in order for its members to have some place to go to be safe, namely me. I'm always trying to hide behind something or someone. But, in all reality, this safety is an illusion. From the world that we grew up in until now, nothing has changed. There are still the terror alerts and recessions and murders and people to hurt us. We simply cannot forget as easily now. Yet, somehow, our problems get worse, more complicated, and suddenly, other people have to get involved.

I feel like a burden. And that, for some reason, those of you reading this, actually took a chance to care about me and get entwined in my life, where it now probably feels like a spider's web instead of a playground net. I don't want any of you to ever feel like you owe me anything or feel like my presence is holding you back. What you have done for me this weekend has more than repaid any debt you may felt that you owed me. You have shown me loyalty I didn't know existed anymore. I have been so proud to call you my friends. Your well being and protection are important to me, which has brought me to my first decision. I've deleted everyones' name and contact information from my computer, my phone, and I've even thrown out any journal or address book that has your information in it. Should our efforts fail this time, I'll deal with them. Your lives deserve happiness.

Natalie, we've been through a lot together, haven't we? You've been my good friend for so long it seems hard to imagine my world without you in it. But you understand my logic behind these decisions from our conversation early this morning, and it comforts me to know that you respect them. You and your uncle have meant so much to me with his kind, if sometimes pervy, wisdom and our Mountain Dew binges that resulted in the discovery of the meaning of life. I will never forget any of our time together.

Ted, it's over! Deranged families and all, we made it through together. I'm so proud that you've decided to do what is best for YOU and take your Stanford scholarship. I know that putting yourself first (for once!) is difficult, but it is the best thing. You'll find happiness in you work, and through it, you have no idea how many people's lives will change for the better because of you. I'll miss you so much, Bear. With you, even the bad times were good.

JT, we've really only known each other for a short time, but every time I'm around you, every time I see your face in the halls, it makes me so incredibly happy. Almost like being able to breathe after spending too much time at the bottom of the deep end. You've made my life seem bearable after so long of, well, hiding. You've done things that I've only wished I was brave enough to do- even things as simple as walking in the rain for no particular reason except to be a part of it. You don't worry about being wet afterwards or having to be scolded for disappearing into cold fog, and that is admirable and courageous to me. That has inspired me to be brave in my own life, even though I can only just do little things like being a bit more open or frowning when I feel like it, not always having to be the bubbly one. You've taught me so many things- just being around you makes me feel smarter- and showed me so many wonders of the soul that I'd never be able to repay you. You have been so incredibly kind to me, more than I deserve, and understanding.
You are such a strong person, strong in your resolve, strong in your beliefs, strong in everything that you do. When I'm with you, I'm constantly reminded of this quote: "... And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." Whether it be just hanging out with you, or watching you captain your LD-ers, or tempering Stefan's creepiness, you out shine us all, but your presence makes us all better people. I love you, plain and simple. Three words- three over used, yet convenient, words- are not enough to tell you how much you mean to me, how much just being with you has changed my life. I wish that I had the power to take away all of your sadness and pain, but I'm not strong enough- and it hurts me that, in being me, I'm hurting you.

Alright- there we go. That's done. Now to where I find myself now. I woke up rather early this morning, to make sure my mom took her medication, to find her, for really the first time, as someone I didn't know. Not my mom at all. Someone who didn't know me, who was scared of me even. When she's had surgeries, or she's been drugged out, I knew what the score was and I was there because, when I understand something, it doesn't necessairly bother me. But this- with no preemptive reason, scared me more than anything I've experienced.

So I grabbed my backpack and ran. I ran out of breath partically down my street, so rather I walked in hurried fashion. And I just kept going- I followed my feet, in the words of "A Knight's Tale." Which is why I know find myself on top of the Sandy Mall, drinking rather tepid hot chocolate, and stealing the wi-fi connection from Marine recruiters downstairs. Why the Sandy Mall? I don't know. I'm likely to arrested for trespassing. But the fact is, I don't care. There is this weird, calming feeling up here. Just the sound of passing traffic, seagull crap, and the sun. I can imagine Siddhartha Gautama feeling something similar except his mall was a grove of trees, his traffic was made of streetcarts and dirt roads, and his crap was instead gifted to him by passing pidgeons.

Anyway. I find myself now sitting, literally, on the edge of a crossroads. I have three choices.
1. Run and hide until I'm 18, wherein I can establish a new life, and no one will have to bother with me again.
2. Stick it out until I'm 18, and then be responsible and adult about my issues instead of pushing them off onto other people.
3. End it here and now. There is a relatively high chance that my mom won't even notice, and those who would, would, in the end, be better off.

One is enticing simply because, well, I'm running, and that's something I'm rather used to doing. It's comfortable. Two would be nice simply because that means I'm growing up, but I'm insanely afraid of that because it means that I can't hide anymore. Three, well, three seems to be the best at the moment. For a few moments, I'd be flying, something I've always wanted to do, and I'd have no cares, which would be blissful. But do I really want to risk it? Do I want to risk any of these things?

Isn't life about taking risks though? Even so, when do I ever take risks? It's just a total waste really. But people change, right? People can change, and one must always grow. Which is what I'm doing and it's a good thing. But what happens when you stop growing? Has there ever been a view that you wanted to always be imprinted in your memory? This is one is nice enough, but I've always wanted to be able to think of a face. Mmm.... there it is. At times like these, one should always smile. I'm rambling now. I need to shut up. As they say, "The rest is silence."

The Reasoning and The Agreement

2008-02-29T17:10:00.000-07:00

My mother and my godmother have gone for some shopping therapy. So it's just my uncle and I, and he's still online with Ted. I thought I'd share something with you- the reason why all this is happening. Since, really, I just found out myself.

Last month, I had some horrible panic attacks when I was kicked out for the second time, because everything seemed so solid, like that was it, I was never going to be able to come home. I realize now that I was severely overreacting, compared to what is happening now, but it more or less kept me from panicking again this time. Anyway, usually when one can't breathe or has to be taken out into the hall bawling more than twice in one school day, the proper authorities are contacted. In this case, that would be the school psychologist.

I told her nothing more than the necessary facts, even leaving out rather important details, since this was my problem and there's no way I was going to share it with her. She's not a very trustworthy person, you see. In any case, a phone call was made to my mother. Indeed, several phone calls have been made to her about our relationship, which explains why her circle of friends has seemingly shrunk this past month.

Through her own skewed logic, this sudden influx of people commenting on our relationship has caused alarm within her, and has led her to conclusion that I have betrayed her by telling our personal problems to every Tom, Dick, and Sally I happen to meet on the street. I vent, just like everyone else in the world, and I find comfort in the wisdom of my close friends. There are only four people in the world who know that I've been kicked out at all. Well, not now obviously, but the point is those are the only people I've confided to, and even then not entirely (well, for three of the four).

I don't know if I'll be able to post tomorrow at all- considering that there are a lot of things going on right now. Meetings, and chats, and meals with ulterior motives, and talks, and calls seem to be constant around here. I'm going insane, I swear.

New Updates: How not to be kicked out.
1. Make bed everyday before leaving for school, or automatic removal.
2. Room must be kept clean (official enforcement of this starts in March 16th), or automatic removal.
3. Own rides must be found to places or pay for gas needed for ferrying.
4. Dinner must be cooked every night only after mother has inspected the ingredients/recipe being used- as all paranoid ex-police officers know, your only child tries to poison you on a daily basis.
5. Two hours of internet use per night and is subject to no use at all depending on my mother's mood- apparently the internet is now another gift of the devil.
6. One must attend church services every Sunday, or equivalent (Sunday school, an hour of bible reading, bible class, church volunteering, etc), or automatic removal.
7. Time sheets (ie from when to when were you doing chores, cooking, homework [if so, which assignment) will be turned in at the end of every week, or automatic removal. This is going to be so effective in tracking me since I go out sooo often.
8. Every Tuesday, the house must be cleaned by 5 pm, or automatic removal.
9. I am no longer allowed to keep a journal, as this is something I show to all of my friends on a daily basis, because it denounces my mother and allows them to think badly of her. It's not like I keep anything private in there or something like that.
10. I am only allowed to read certain, approved books that do not include any of the following- magic, sex, conservative ideals, robots, violence towards minorities, perverse language, other religions besides Christianity (or by authors who practice said religions), and/or mythical creatures.
11. All of my friends must be: a Christian, practicing churchgoers, denouncers of Islam and other devil worshippers, have 3.0 GPA's or better, must be legal US citizens, and have an unbroken family/home.
12. I am not allowed to look in my mother's eyes for too long, and therefore be able to read her mind and manipulate it, and stop dreaming about other peoples' lives. I shall also talk to a priest about how to remove the devil from my soul and be a normal human being as God intended. In other words, I have to stop being able to anticipate things, assume reactions, experience deja vu, dream at all, comfort other people when something is wrong, and in all other terms, "be psychic" or I shall instantly be removed the house and my soul exorcised.

Seems that I'm already getting around numbers 4, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11, and 12. It's a strange thing to be forced to lie. When you've been lied to for so long, it almost becomes second nature to discount everything everyone else is saying, because you're the only one you can believe. But lying because you have to, really defeats the whole purpose of knowing who to trust. It's very weird and I'm really not fond of it. But it's always going to be survival of the fittest! I intend to be the fittest! Or, rather, at least among the upper half of the herd.

I promise that everything I'm writing here is the absolute truth. There has to be a way to field the lies, be true somehow- at least true enough so that I don't start believing the lies too. My mother is quite the drama queen, so this is going to be a catalyst for living outside of the exaggerations. There's a way for everything to work out, and this is the only thing I can think of. If it's in writing, as soon as something happens, I'll know I'm not going insane, and that there is truth left somewhere in this house.

Wow- this sucks. I can't talk to anybody. Monday- we'll see what happens. Again, I'm not sure if I'll be able to post again until, at the earliest, Sunday. I don't think anything will happen this quickly, but if anything is bound to happen, it's going to happen by Monday. I hope to see my school friends IN SCHOOL then. If not, please call me. Something is going down and I'll need you more than ever.

I know this is sounding so overly dramatic, and that other people suffer worse than I everyday. I feel like such an ass to even be complaining about my lot in life. Life is a gift, I know that, but so are our friends. I found my little corner of heaven on earth, and then this comes and happens, so forgive me for being a little overly sensitive and naive. My friends, in all reality, you are my family. I don't want to be taken away from you. Please understand that. That's all I've really been trying to say. It's a wonderful feeling, finally being able to find your home, or rather the person that makes it home for you, the person that makes you the happiest you've ever been. And who has ever really wanted anything but that in the end?

The Doctor is In

2008-02-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love my uncle. He was one of the original silicon valley geeks and yesterday, he was in charge of putting "triggers" and blocks onto my computer. He did, but he gave me the passwords so that I can disable them AND, being the genius that he is, somehow rerouted the password IP to his computer, so it'll look like he's searching through mine when it's really me- living my life and surfing the internet free as a gamer nerd. I'm supposed to be doing homework once again, but this is what cut and paste is for, right?

It has also been decided that my mom is clinically crazy. Wonderful, actually, because this makes things so much easier to forgive knowing that she isn't just doing some of these things to drive me insane. She has mild to moderate dementia and mild to moderate Alzheimer's. Of course, we're not telling her because not only would that kill her one joy in life, work, but what's the point if she wouldn't even believe us? The reason she's been acting crazy, supposedly, is her medication just increases the symptoms of the dementia. But we can't do anything about that since it is her thyroid replacement medication. So, I get to deal with this, at the least, educated now.

Last night went very well. My mom's lawyer is a total idiot, so it wasn't very hard lose him in our conversation. The details are so convoluted and crazy there's hardly any use try to explain anything to an outsider. However, I was able to use my godmother's phone last night to call my godsister, who is a counsellor for "at risk" kids in one of the worst areas in California, who agrees with me that my best choice right now is to run away or live it out here for another two years. Which I completely agree with honestly. Anyone can handle anything for two years.

Le results:
The family in Greece doesn't want me because I'm too much of a prude and not grounded well enough in tradition (yes!).
I can't live with my uncle because I'm not "responsible" (thanks mom) enough to take care of him. (sad...)
I can't move in the my godmother because there is just not enough room.
The family in Arkansas would love to have me, but even my mom thinks that my cousin Joey has rabies- but this is just a fall back right now.
The lawyer actually stepped in on this one- I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!!!!! Huzzah! Although charges were dropped against him due to certain payoffs my dad made (and because my mom is a dumbass and the lawyer should be disbarred), the lawyer agrees with me that it is a "dangerous environment" and "not suitable especially since I've reached puberty." In other words, no more baseball bats or gang bangs for you, Dad! I win.

The Worst News: The papers have been signed that gives Alexander permission to... ugh, it makes me sick to even type this, marry me, should he wish to in the next two years. Permission probably isn't the best word for this- more like absolute power over my marital status. Which is complete bullshit. I would never marry him- even if we got all the way to England or wherever, I'd stab myself in the face before I'd let that happen. Literally, no joke, kiddies. I had my uncle call Ted, tell him what's going on, and apparently they've been IMing all morning trying to get me out of this. Ted has all of our evidence, pictures and things, and is trying to get the proper authorities over in England to at least look at all of our work and get the situation taken care of. My uncle is trying to get in contact with the British embassy here to see what we can do to get Alexander deported directly by non-corrupt people of say, the FBI, or the CIA, or MI6. Something! In other words, not the local police department.
I honestly doubt that Alexander is going to do anything now- power is his thing- you see. He just likes having something hanging over me, and the absolute power to do anything he likes. Ted has apparently been talking to Roger, our old handler, and he's trying to get the BA in on this. We all have more background on Alexander than I think even he knows about. Best comes to best- he will be deported and incarcerated in a max security prison before he's executed. Worst comes to worse- now that the BA's involved, Alexander won't know what hit him.

The Best News: It was decided last night that I'm going to continue to live with my mom (mainly to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid and hurt herself), but I've had to sign over all of my assets (my bank accounts, my scholarships money, ownership to anything that is in this house, everything). Which is fine- I have some money stashed away that can't be counted since it's not even mine. Haha. No worries, it wasn't stolen or anything. If I get a job, all the money goes directly to her. Really, if I make any money whatsoever that the law can legally count, it's hers. It's sort of a collateral, or insurance, you might say.
Of course, this can be appealed at anytime, and my other godmother would represent me in that case (hopefully, this will go down sometime this summer so I can actually pay for something once in a while). Anyway, the moment I graduate, I have to be packed and gone. Even though I still won't have a driver's license, so I don't know how that's going to work. However, anything goes wrong, I have that money to run away and my bike (although, technically I'll be stealing it, but whatever- and there's the issue of not knowing how to ride a bike properly but a few falls should take care of that). I've done it before, and I can do it again. Although, the other times I've only been kicked out- running away has entirely different connotations even though it's essentially the same thing. Isn't that strange?

I know this is sickeningly optimistic to most of you, but things will turn out on the right end of everything. I can't get emails or IMs, so if you want to get a hold of me, post a comment on here and then I'll post on your blog. It makes things easier as far as breaking down the security barriers. At least for now, until I can get a little more privacy to morph the measures my uncle set up to make the passwords automatic and things like that.

I have to go make breakfast- no idea what, but I hope there's something in the fridge I'm capable of transforming into a meal. To anyone who's reading this, please don't worry, number one, and number two, don't tell or show anyone what you're reading. Those of you who have this blog account address are my closest and most trusted friends and I expect that this update will just serve to keep you informed. Nothing more. Please keep yourselves safe for me. We'll hope that this tentative agreement will work for now and we'll be able to figure out something better as time goes on. I'll post again later.

The Inquisition Has Arrived

2008-02-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling sick to my stomach. No, literally ill. My godmother and my uncle flew in from California to be with my mom. My mother, who apparently has been on the phone for the past three hours to her lawyer, arranging a dinner date so that we can talk about having my custody transferred to my father, and to Alexander, hearing his side of my terrible "mental and emotional abuse" I've subjected him to for years.

I have no idea what made her do this. I have some, rather, but none of them hardly warrant this type of action:
Yes- I have three F's. IT'S MIDTERMS! I still have time to make things up. I've talked to my teachers and I fully intended to make up what I can. I do not want to fail!
Yes- I told her I did not want to go to Maui with her. I have homework, that she obviously agrees I need to finish. And, this probably didn't help matters, I told her I didn't want to be treated like a cabana girl, catering to the entire flight crews' every whim.
Yes- I told her I wanted to officially break it off with Mike. She obviously likes the thought of having him as a son-in-law, than me having a chance at happiness.
Yes- my room is a mess. And she hates that. There's nothing else I can add here. There are no dead rodents, or ants crawling around. There is nothing wrong with my room besides the fact that my clothes cannot find their way onto hangers and my bed is perpetually left unmade.

According to my godmother, I have few options right now, with stars denoting the most likely events:
1. Move in with my dad*- fat fucking chance, excuse my French, but I had enough of him growing up to realize that that wouldn't be the smartest move of all time.
2. Move in with my godmother- too much like a beach party movie for me. Ew. The swingin' sixties are still going on in that house. And I'd have to babysit devil children.
3. Move in with my uncle- This is a possibility simply because he really needs someone to help take care of him. He has diabetes and he's a chef- not a good combination. I love my uncle to death, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to handle living in San Jose again.
4. Moving to Arkansas**- the family loves us northern folk to teach them shit like how to pronounce them dad gum words rightly so.
5. Moving to Greece**- the farther away, my mom says, the better off we'll be. The family there hates me. I'm not wild enough for them, and since I've dropped out of Greek school, I won't understand anything.
6. Staying here, but paying rent and living in the basement*- I don't even think my mom and I would be compatible as roommates. She can't stand me because she can't remember a damn thing I've said or done, much less what she's said or done. It's hurtful to both of us, but she is crazy, and there's no way I'd be able to put her in a home. You have to know her for a while to see it, but even my godmother says she's changed so I know I'm not making it up. It hurts so much to know that she's kind of trapped in her head. I can read her, but half the time it's like looking at gibberish. It's my duty to take care of her, I know that, but this is starting take its toll on me. Especially if she's resorting to these measures for no apparent reason.
7. Getting sold off to Alexander**- My mom's always liked him. He's rich and charming and handsome and a part of the aristocracy. How can I pass him up? He's an egotistical, maniacal, violent bastard. I hate him! And now, to think that she's been talking to him, and believing him over me is a slap in the face. More or less, if she still stands by what she told my godmother earlier, I'll be sent off to live in England with him, with full legal rights to do whatever he wants. He's twenty. I can't imagine being around him, let alone marrying him. A bride at 17! No!
8. Running away***- Right now, this is the most appealing. I can live on the streets, I'd just have to take care of me and only me, and I could stay in Salt Lake. I could even keep going to school. Run in, grab my homework, and run out. I'd be free and alive. Whereas, with at least three of the choices above, I'd probably end up dead, either by my own hand or theirs.

Everything depends on tonight. I don't know what to do. My room is basically packed away in plastic bags and boxes right now. I'm staring at this poster I made in second grade- that little introduction poster we all had to do at some point or another. What ever happened to that family? What happened to that little kid? There's only one person I'd ever let see those pictures, and he's off somewhere in cyberspace, killing orcs and gnomes and rogues. I'm glad he isn't involved- I'm truly happy that he can escape. And you really have to wonder why I'm always lost in my weird, tired old fantasies of far away places and being held by strong arms with no agenda. (dry sarcasm, hello!) I miss being younger when I was oblivious. This is why I've always wished Peter Pan was real, why I've always pushed myself to be a good storyteller, to have a place to escape to when the yelling and the pain became to much. Reality is such a bitch.

Case In Point

2008-02-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

I got my SAT scores back. I'm throughly disgusted.

Section: My Score/Average

Critical Reading: 600/502 gross!
Math: 430/515 I should kill myself in the most painful way possible!
Writing: 680/494 Still could've done better.

Overall: 1710/1540 I'm only slightly above average! What the hell!?

I'm going to go shoot myself.

Realization

2008-02-26T19:55:00.001-07:00

People might actually read this one day and think- "hmmm..... this girl has serious mental issues." And I do! I totally agree with that! So, I've decided to start posting about things that matter. Like opinions. Not just "what's wrong with my hormones today." I still have yet to figure out a format, but I'm drowning in work, so whatever.

Life is weird, don't you think? Should we really trust others with our intimate feelings or ideas. I have. And life got weirder and scarier. Maybe not this time around (hopefully!). But I'm on guard. Why is trust so freakin' hard to master!!?? Seriously!!!

Isn't love supposed to be harder to understand? Is it because trust is an integral part of love? Or vice-versa? I'm confused! If you can't trust, then you can't love. Why does everything come back to love for me? I blame my father. Let's leave it at that. Daddy issues. Oh joy!

I need to do my homework. Haha. Like that will be done. This is sad. I had so many dreams. What happened to the dream of the girl president- She's dancin' in the video next to 50 cent. That could be me in a couple of years! I don't want that! I wanted to be the girl president- no seriously. I know- generic pipe dream. But whatever. I wanted to be a surgeon. Why not now? I'd be lucky if my GPA let's me manage a Burger King joint. I could have been a princess- I still have the tabloid picture from "Young Royals" to prove it. Why didn't I go through with it? William's brother was a dumbass- silly Jack, can't ride a bike to save his life. Oh- and William was a creep. Haha.

You know what my biggest dream was? I wanted to be a secret agent. No! Dead serious! It would give me a chance to travel, meet interesting people. be completely kick-ass in martial arts and everything else, I could drive as fast I wanted, no taxes, and, I'd finally have some adventure. How did I screw that up? Apparently hacking into the UN isn't the smartest thing to do when you're bored; statistically, more people have sex, which might have actually been a smarter idea. Haha. And since I can't break a board with a karate chop to save my life- yuck. And I get sea sick easily. Oh ya! And I can't speak Arabic or French or Russian to save my life. Even my Spanish is hardly passable. So much for having a first language advantage there, gringo.

What really pisses me off is I know I could do it. I am totally capable of it! I have no outstanding injuries or health conditions. Well.... sort of. Nothing that other people don't have to deal with. I just can't understand what is holding me back! Lack of sleep? Obsession with the Internet? Depression- or whatever you'd call it? I have no idea! It honestly makes my blood boil.

I'm screwed up- let's establish that right now. I'm hardly fit to take care of myself, let alone my mom. This is really just a great, happy blog, isn't it? Haha. And now, instead of using this blog to improve matters, I now sound like a high maintenance, whiny little brat. The exact opposite of the Cosmopolitan I know I am somewhere inside. Very deep inside apparently.

Thank you, Mr. Bojangles. Life is such a friggin' splendid bowl of cherries.

The Life Dramatic (cont.)

2008-02-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been a position where you can't make a decision because either way the consequences will be bad? This is what brings about my drama.

Drama 4: There are those people that you've really only admired from afar for a long time and then, suddenly, they are an integral part of your life and you can't even think about getting through the day without them. Ya... I'm screwed. This guy (we shall call him JT because I am not feeling particularly creative today) is that person for me. Last year, he annoyed the crap out of me because he was the only person who could actually beat me in a debate. Well, that and his best friend shoved snow down my shirt (but I got him back this year, haha!).

But somehow, I was always extremely attracted to him because, well- he has the most gorgeous eyes ever, but he's really the first person who has been able to match me intellectually since... Austin. Which, those of you who knew him, means that JT is more or less a freakin' genius. Anyway, this year we ended up in Chemistry together and, really, he's the one the kept me coming to school everyday. Just so I could tease him or debate politics with him (he's conservative, I'm liberal, although we're both libertarians), or discuss covalent compounds before it reminded us of something totally pervish and off on a tangent we go, or really, just stare at him like a stalker because he gave me the tingles.

So, the weekend before Valentine's Day, he sends me the best email EVA! It was probably the sweetest, most kind thing anyone has ever told me (or really, written me). And even more, he likes me. A lot. And he's been like me- too shy to say anything and not brave enough to take a chance. Except he did! He took the first step! And that makes him truly knightly in my eyes. He makes me feel like I'm worth something, that I'm more than just an arm piece or a sex object. Honestly, I don't think he'd ever hit me- really a first for me. He's such a breath of fresh air, I know I'm falling for him faster than I should. And I shouldn't even be falling for him! I have a boyfriend! No, let me rephrase that. I had already fallen for him, but I have made a commitment in the interm and, even though it's a technicality, ugh.... I should be sticking by that- but I can't. I'm a horrible, terrible person for not doing so, but JT is the only person I would even consider doing it for! Besides, I know Mike and I are just together now because our parents want it. He's been cheating on me for a while now and I think in this case, two wrongs make a right.

JT was told about my wild days in New York, and he didn't think any less of me. Well, at least he said he didn't. When we were hanging out, watching a movie (we didn't even in watch it- we just sat there talking- going off on tangents), he could have done anything. But he didn't. He actually slowed me down and I am so grateful for that; it is so hard to control myself around him- he has the softest skin and just this strong, comforting presence. He wants this to work out for the long run, just like I do. We've both made sacrifices to be with each other- ditching our friends to hang out (except somehow the creepy ones always find our hiding places), not doing homework and instead talking for hours online, he gave up going on a WoW raid, I've been lying to my mom about how serious we are.

We have all the components to be happy- we ARE happy- but the social repercussions will be interesting. We haven't really told our friends that we are official or that we even like each other romantically (except those that are not completely oblivious), mainly because his friends aren't mature enough, my friends will all call me a whore (not to say I blame them), and most of all, they would most likely be against us being together simply because we are such weird people and the weirdness would freak everyone out. Haha. No- we are completely different people on the surface and opposites really do not attract, and so you can't blame our friends for looking out for us. The thing is- I've gotten to know him better, and really, we're so similar, he seems to be a part of me. He IS a part of me. I want to just be with him whenever I get a free moment. When we were watching the movie, and I was laying against him, we fit. It felt so right, I wasn't even sore the next day. He is the cheese to my macaroni.

Every person makes lists in their head of their perfect person and wishes for them on cold nights when they can't sleep. JT is the man I wished for, in all reality. He hugs me every time like it's the last we'll ever see each other. He holds my hand with such determination that I know he wants me there. And yet, he still plays with my fingers, making me smile every time. We went to a play Friday (the worst play of all time- I didn't know Anne Frank was a comedy); he would stare at me and make me blush, and position himself closer to me, even though our skeptical, most likely to be the least supportive friend was with us. I can't help but smile when I'm with him. When I lay my head against his chest, my heart feels like it's going to explode, he makes me so happy. Yet, at the same time, I feel like crying because I know he deserves so much better than me. I honestly believe I am IN love with him.

Drama 5: Do I tell JT or not the brevity of my feelings for him? Should I completely ditch Mike, even though I'll probably be living on the streets in a month if I do? The hardest choices are those that we are afraid to make. And I am scared shitless.

The Life Dramatic

2008-02-22T11:34:00.001-07:00

I am writing to you today from our school's library and really the first reprieve I've had from work in a month. You see, I am a junior in a sophmore history class (because I took the junior history sophmore year as a part of an integrated program). Anyway, they have registration today, I do not, thus I am here, tip taping away to you.

I haven't written in well over a month, I realize that. Forgive me. As you shall see in the next few days and posts, it was hardly a posting schedule I could keep up. And with AP season on my doorstep, The Daily Lists won't be happening unless by some miracle, I have a free day. However, let's skip right along.

Drama 1: Those of you who were a part of the "Alexander and Alana" relationship know that what Ted and I have been planning for months went down Saturday night. Thank God! Ted can get Marina into the proper health facilities, I'm free of worrying if someone's going to pop out and kill me, and the world is just simply a better place to live in. So, we met, and a few bruises and kicks later- I'm happy. Those of you who were involved in this part of my life, you have no idea how much your friendship has meant to me over the years. I probably wouldn't be alive if it weren't for some of you, and it truly saddens me that our blogs will probably be the only way that we'll know what's going on with eachother's lives from here on out. I will miss you all and you will never know how much you've meant to me.

Drama 2: January 28th, Mike asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Delimma- he was at my house without my mom knowing. Now, my mom likes Mike ALOT, he's rich, charming, and Catholic. So, she wasn't mad at him- I, however, have been grounded for the past three weeks with the prospect of getting kicked out hanging over my head at every indiscretion. However, Mike's mom found out, offered me a place to live, and chewed out my mom for being a bitch. Go Jill!

Drama 3: Valentine's Day. Need I say more? I had a boyfriend, yes. But his best friend fell off a roof that day, and he had to cancel on me. Not that I blame him, oh no, not in the slightest. I was worried. That's all (of course, the sexy stubble he had from sleepless nights made me even more forgiving when we went the movies Monday [Jumper is good, just fyi]). There was never anything really serious between us- mainly going out was just because we got stuck on a technicality. And now we can't break up, at least until I turn 18, or find someone else to move in with, and until he goes to college. We're more or less the epitome of the couple that has the "relation-shit" without the yelling- so I guess it all works out. Well, that's all as far as Mike was concerned.

There's the bell for lunch. Good thing too- I was thinking about eating my hand, which would inevitably result in no more posts and there is so much more to write. Au revior!

Ode to Heath Ledger

2008-01-22T21:14:00.001-07:00

Honestly, this is the first celebrity death that has really affected me. I have just found out, Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm. You can't take anything for granted.

Though he was with us for only a few years or so, his legacy will live on. I can never imagine them seeing it fit to redo "A Knight's Tale," or "Brokeback Mountain," or even "Casanova."

God, I can't even find words right now. Words- they've never failed me before, and now... let there be silence. And, for God sakes, let there be retribution for him. Let him rest in peace.